What's your opinion on my bird here?
Mr. Parrot?
It's a macaw.
Scarlet macaw.
What?
It is a scarlet macaw.
Oh, you know birds?
Yeah.
And that's actually not life-sized.
Are you saying he's not real?
I'm saying it's not to scale.
Okay, but he's real.
Are we doing that Monty Python sketch?
Oh, we're.
Everything is a Monty Python sketch.
I don't think Monty Python's funny.
And I- You don't?
At all.
That explains so much.
Does it?
What does it explain?
What do you think is funny?
You're not answering that question.
It's pretty funny.
Yeah, what do you think is funny?
Having a mantis shrimp?
No.
You think Big Lebowski's funny?
Oh God, no.
This is getting worse and worse.
The following is a conversation with Michael Malice,
anarchist and author of Dear Reader,
The New Right, The Anarchist Handbook, The White Pill,
and he is the host of the podcast, You're Welcome.
This is a Thanksgiving special
of the pirate and ocean-going variety.
So once again, let me say thank you for listening today
and for being part of this wild journey with me.
This is the Lex Friedman Podcast.
To support it, please check out our sponsors
in the description.
And now, dear friends, here's Michael Malice.
The box?
Yeah, I'm wondering what's in it.
There's something in that box of exquisite beauty,
both literally and in what it symbolizes
and why it is here.
Given the kind of human being you are,
I'm terrified at what you find beautiful.
That's a good point.
You kind of hit me with the curve ball.
For me, the most beautiful wildlife
are what I call God's mistakes.
Because my friend came up with that term
where she's like, God made these disgusting animals
just threw them in the bottom of the ocean.
He's like, no one's ever going to see this.
Yeah, you commented on Twitter about some creature,
like a rainbow type creature.
The peacock mantis shrimp.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
It's horrific though.
So it has, I think, eight legs, six arms,
two punching claws or spearing claws,
depending on the genus.
Two eyes, two antennae, two ear flaps.
I don't know what they do.
And its punch can be as strong as a bullet.
And the other type with the spears,
divers call them thumb splitters.
Because if you stick your finger near it,
it'll cut your thumb down to the bone.
So I had one as a pet.
All night, I would hear banging on the PVC pipe.
And I've got to tell you,
they have the best eyesight of any animal
because they see in like seven different ways.
And when you make eye contact with this thing,
it's just absolutely terrifying.
But you can eat them with sushi.
They call them sea centipedes.
But they're colorful and beautiful.
That species is, yeah.
What was it like having one as a pet?
And why did you do it?
Well, when you have a species that's that unique
and that much of an outlier,
you know, growing up reading these books,
watching these shows,
I found this stuff so much more fascinating
than like space, which is, you know, dead.
So to be able to have this specimen in your house
and just observe its behavior
is just like an amazing thing.
Why did you get rid of it?
I didn't have, I guess, the right minerals in the mix.
It died.
It had a problem molting once.
Yeah, it couldn't mold correctly.
Wow.
Do you miss it?
Think about it?
I do think about it, to be honest.
I still have a pair of its punching appendages
from when it molted.
What pet animal in your life do you miss the most?
That has been in your life that you think about?
I've never had cats or dogs growing up
or anything like that, which, you know, I, oh God.
My problem is- Here we go.
If I like something, I will go down a rabbit hole.
Yeah.
So I know if I got one tattoo,
I already know my first five are gonna be, okay?
So I can't do it.
Cause then once I get those five, it's gonna be a hundred
and I'm already too old to be the tattoo guy.
What would be the first tattoo?
My face?
Would it go on your ass cheeks
or where would you put them?
If it was my face.
If I got your face,
it would definitely be on my arm right here.
If you had multiple faces, would you put like-
I think delts, right?
Shoulders, different faces and different shoulders.
And then when you flex.
Like symmetry.
Yeah.
Would you get a dictator?
If you had to get a dictator, who would you get?
It would have to be Kim Jong Il, right?
Cause I wrote the book on him.
Oh, it's like plugging your book.
I don't think it's plugging.
It's just like, I have a personal connection to this-
It's a good opener, the conversation.
People would be asking, why him?
And he'd be like, well, I wrote a book about it.
And I'd be like, oh, okay.
Okay, here's what- Let me check it out.
That would be a bad open-
No, that's not what happens.
Okay.
Here's the thing.
What happens?
When you write a book about North-
Hey, nice to meet you.
What is it you do?
I'm an author.
What kind of books do you write?
Well, my last book was on North Korea.
90% of the time, 90.
They will then start telling me everything they know
about North Korea.
And it's like, I don't need-
This isn't a quiz.
And it's a very poorly understood country.
I don't expect you to know anything.
You're not on the spot.
And half what you're saying is not accurate either.
It's fine.
How often do they bring up Dennis Rodman?
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent of the time.
Do you know Dennis Rodman?
But I don't understand what-
I guess people feel the need to like,
all right, now we're talking about this subject.
I just got to drop whatever I can talk about.
It's usually a small amount.
And there's this thing in the culture which I hate
that everyone have to have an opinion on everything.
And it's okay to be like,
yeah, I don't know anything about that.
Tell me more.
There's lots of things I don't know anything about.
What's your opinion on my bird here?
Mr. Parrot?
It's a macaw.
Scarlet macaw.
It is a scarlet macaw.
Oh, you know birds?
Yeah.
And that's actually not life-sized.
Are you saying he's not real?
I'm saying it's not to scale.
Okay.
But he's real.
Are we doing that Monty Python sketch?
Oh.
Everything is a Monty Python sketch.
I don't think Monty Python's funny.
You don't?
At all.
That explains so much.
Does it?
What does it explain?
What do you think is funny?
You're not answering that question.
It's pretty funny.
Well, yeah.
What do you think is funny?
Having a mantis shrimp?
No.
You think Big Lebowski is funny?
Oh God, no.
Although.
This is getting worse and worse.
To be fair.
Yep.
I only tried to watch Big Lebowski
after it's been part of the culture for many years.
To the point where every single line
has been quoted incessantly
by the most annoying frat bros ever.
So I kind of have been poisoned
to be able to appreciate it.
So maybe if I'd seen it when it came out
before it became a thing,
I would have enjoyed it.
I couldn't get through it.
Like I couldn't get through 20 minutes.
Is that how you feel about Schindler's List?
Well, it's so much easier for me to stare at you
when you have sunglasses on.
I didn't think you'd be the one
making Holocaust jokes today.
And yet here we are.
And cut scene.
I actually have no trouble making eye contact with you
when you're wearing shades.
Yes.
Because you're a robot.
Two copies of myself.
Yeah.
Oh, you're seeing yourself in them?
Okay, cool.
I'm having a conversation with myself.
It's not your fault, Lex.
They made you like this.
You were just a good little robot in St. Petersburg.
I could see Mr. Parrot a little bit too.
But what do you find funny?
Come on, this is an interesting subject.
Well, I find Mighty Python.
I find absurdity funny.
Yes, I find absurdity funny.
I think that's the thing.
When people come at me,
and maybe this is an Eastern European thing,
when they're like,
how can you find this very dark subject funny?
It's like, well, the humor,
first of all, the humor is that you're making fun
of something that's dark.
So already it's absurd.
Like it's completely inappropriate.
Second, just psychologically,
Joan Rivers said that Winston Churchill said,
I don't know if it's true,
that when you make people laugh,
you're giving them a little vacation.
And I was just thinking about this the other day,
how when I die, if I want my funeral to be a roast,
it doesn't help me that everyone's sad.
If I brought people happiness or joy in life, whatever,
I want to keep doing that in death.
Your sadness doesn't help me.
I know you can't help it,
but tell stories of how it made you laugh.
Make fun of me.
Make me the punching bag.
Even literally take me out of that coffin
and be the, I don't, make me a pinata.
I don't care.
So I think, and it's, I don't understand.
Well, I do understand,
it's sad for me when people are like,
this isn't funny, that isn't funny.
The way I look at humor is the way,
it's like a chef, right?
It's pretty easy to make bacon taste good,
but some of these really obscure ingredients
to make it palatable, that takes skill.
So if you're dealing with a subject
that is very emotional or intense
and you could make people laugh,
then that takes skill and that's the relief for them.
Yeah.
It's all about timing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's the different, you want to hear one of my jokes?
Is it a pirate joke?
Cause that's the only, that's the only kind I accept today,
but go ahead.
It doesn't have to be a pirate joke this one time.
Do you know who Lea Thomas is?
Yeah.
What's the difference between Lea Thomas and Hitler?
What?
Lea Thomas knows how to finish a race.
Very nice.
Very nice.
You get the gold medal.
Good job.
Why does it take pirates forever to get through the alphabet?
Why?
Cause they spent years at sea.
Oh, I thought it was going to be an argh joke.
That's a good one.
I like that.
When I was in North Korea.
Oh, you know Dennis Rodman.
It's a callback.
By the way, the thing that is very heartbreaking
about the North Korean situation
is that they have a great sense of humor.
It would be a lot easier if these were like robots
or drones.
They have big personalities, big sense of humor.
And that made it much harder to leave
and interact with these people.
Cause it's, I mean, there's nothing more human
and universal than laughter and laughter is free.
You're saying there's humor even amongst the people
that have most of their freedoms taken away?
Especially.
I mean, again, we're from, you know, the Soviet Union.
Like there's a, there's, I mean,
the Russian humor is a thing because it's,
there's nothing you can, this,
if you can't have food or nice things,
at least you can have joy and make each other laugh.
I think about it all the time.
And I think about my guide all the time.
It's been what, 2012.
So it's been 11 years since I've been there
and she's still there.
And everyone I've seen is still there.
They just recently electrified the border.
So you can't even,
even the few people who are escaping can't do it anymore.
Well, that's interesting that they still
have a sense of humor.
I attribute the Soviet Union for having that
because of the like really deep education system.
Like you got to read a lot of literature.
And because of that, you get to kind of
learn about the cruelty, the injustices,
the absurdity of the world.
As long as the writing is not about the current regime.
Yeah, but I think like,
if you look at like African-Americans, Jewish Americans,
gay Americans, they are all disproportionate
in terms of attributing to comedy.
It's not because these groups have some kind of,
you know, magic to them.
It's that when you are on the outside looking in,
A, you're going to have different perspective
than the people who are in the middle of the bell curve.
But also when you don't have anything to lose,
at the very least you can make each other laugh
and find happiness that way.
So, you know, that is something that I think
is an important thing to recognize.
So what do you find funny?
What makes you giggle like in the most joyful of ways?
The suffering of others?
I mean, there are YouTube videos of like fat people
falling down and they're really funny.
There's two kinds of people in this world.
Those that laugh at those videos and those that don't.
No, and those that are in them.
My friend Jesse just told me a great Norm Macdonald joke.
And this is a good litmus test joke.
Cause he says, a certain group of people lose their minds
and a certain group of people just stare at you.
And he goes, this kind of, and so I'll tell you the joke.
This is Norm Macdonald.
Guy walks into a bar and he sees someone at the bar
who has a big pumpkin for a head.
And the guy's like, dude, what happened to you?
He goes, ugh, you never believe this.
I got one of those genie lamps.
And this genie, he's like, what happened?
He goes, well, the first wish, you know,
I wish for a hundred million dollars.
He's like, yeah, you got it?
He goes, yeah.
He's in my bank account, feels fine.
He goes, all right.
Well, the second wish, I wish to have sex
with as many beautiful women as I want.
He goes, did that happen?
He goes, yeah, it was amazing.
He goes, then what?
Well, I wish for a giant pumpkin head.
Yeah, so there's a certain mindset
that will just be staring at the screen.
And that is, I mean, there's so many levels
why that's funny, at least to me.
And I just love that kind of thing.
Well, Norm Macdonald's like,
just, I watch his videos all the time.
He's a guy that definitely makes me giggle.
And he's one of the people that makes me giggle
for reasons I don't quite understand.
Did you ever see him with Carrot Top on Conan O'Brien?
No.
Making fun of Carrot Top?
No.
This is probably the best talk show clip of all time.
He's on with Courtney Thorne-Smith.
She was on Melrose Place and Conan O'Brien's the host.
And Courtney's talking about how she's going to be
in an upcoming movie with Carrot Top.
And Conan is like, oh, what's it going to be called?
And she's like, doesn't have a title yet.
And Norm goes, oh, I know what should be called,
Box Office Poison.
And they're all laughing.
And she's like, no, no, no.
Like the working title is Chairman of the Board.
And Conan goes, do something with that smart ass.
And Norm goes, yeah, board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
And they all just completely lost it.
There's something about him with words spoken
out of his mouth, with the way he like turns his head
and looks at the camera.
I think he is one of those rare comedians
who you really feel like he's talking to you directly.
He feels like he's winking at you in the audience.
And he's like, can you believe I'm doing this?
Like, it's like, he almost, he feels like he's,
I don't want to say imposter,
but like he's more a member of the audience
than he is a member of the people on the stage.
Yeah, it feels like he's on our side.
Yes, yeah.
Whatever the hell our means.
You know, Roseanne got him his first job.
Man, Roseanne, you and her have been hanging out.
I got it, oh my God.
Talk about Thanksgiving.
When you are talking to Roseanne Barr
and making eye contact with this person,
it is, I can't even describe it.
It's just like, holy crap, Roseanne Barr's talking to me.
She is, I've said this to her face, pathologically funny.
Like it does not turn off.
And you're sitting there and you're like, holy crap.
And when you make her laugh,
which is that laugh that's in the theme song of her show,
you feel like, okay, I did a mitzvah.
I did something good and right in the world
that I made Roseanne Barr laugh.
And it's also really funny because,
and she's going to hate this,
because I tell her she's adorable, she doesn't like that.
She's little.
You think of Roseanne Barr as this like force of nature,
like a tsunami, she's like 5'3", I'd say like maybe 130.
And she puts on the sunglasses,
you think this little Jewish lady, you'd never know,
this is one of the most epic performers of all time.
She lives near here now.
So it's just so much fun talking to her.
There was an old satirical magazine in the,
I think like early 2000s called Heeb, written by Jews.
And she dressed up as Hitler for one of the photo shoots.
And she was baking little men in the oven.
I found that on eBay.
I want her to sign it to Michael, it should have been you.
But she signed it to Michael, you're one smart cookie.
And now it hangs, love mom, Roseanne Barr,
and I call her mom, and it hangs over my desk
because I have her like good domestic goddess energy
flowing at me.
What?
What do you find?
What else?
So Norm Macdonald.
Norm Macdonald, my favorite comedian is-
We agree on something.
My favorite comedian of all time is Neil Hamburger.
So Neil Hamburger, I don't know if I'm ruining the bit,
he's a character performed by this guy
named Greg Turkington.
So he comes out in a tuxedo, big eyeglasses,
holding three glasses of water, coughing into the mic.
And I remember I saw him once in LA
and the girl ahead of me at the table ahead of me
was with her boyfriend, this basic chick, pumpkin spice.
She turns to him and she goes, what is this?
And I remember the first time he was on Jimmy Kimmel
and he tells one of his jokes and he was like,
why does E.T. like Reese's Pieces so much?
Well, that's what sperm tastes like on his home planet.
And like, no one laughs and he goes,
oh, come on guys, I have cancer.
And it just cuts to this Marine in the audience
with his arms crossed.
So if you know what he's doing,
it's just absolutely amazing.
He opened for Tenacious D once in somewhere,
I think in Ireland or the UK, one of those.
And they're booing him
because his jokes are often not funny.
He's like, hey, where did my whore ex-wife run off to
with that dentist she's shacking up with?
I don't know, but when I see her in court next month,
Alaska.
So they're booing and he goes, all right,
do you guys want me to bring out Tenacious D?
They're like, yeah,
do you want to see your heroes of mine, Tenacious D?
Yeah, come on, let me hear it.
Do you want to see Tenacious D?
Yeah, he goes, all right.
If I tell this next joke and you don't boo me,
I'll bring out Tenacious D.
And it's like, I'm trying to think of one that's not too-
Self-censorship is never good.
Okay, he goes, can we agree that George Bush
is the worst president America's ever had?
Everyone claps, he goes,
which makes it all the stranger that his son,
George W. Bush was in fact the best.
I take it back on the self-censorship.
So two people laugh and he goes, oh, that's amazing.
I guess I'll do an encore.
And he did 10 more minutes.
It was just like, I love him so much.
It's interesting that you opened for Tenacious D.
Jack Black, that's a comedic genius of a different kind.
Oh yeah, and he was in one of my favorite movies,
Jesus' Son, it's this little indie movie.
He did a great turn in that.
He's really underrated as an actor.
He's got a lot of range.
Like I know they kind of get typescast
as this kind of one specific type,
but he's really, really talented.
But also just like the pure joy.
Yes, he's clearly having fun.
Okay, it is Thanksgiving.
So in a tradition, following tradition,
what are you thankful for, Michael, in this world?
Do you have a list too?
No, not really.
Really?
It's up in here.
Oh, I mean, but you have several things
you're thankful for.
Yes, yes.
One of the things I'm-
My list comes from the heart.
I don't have to write anything down.
Well, I don't have written down.
Okay.
One of the things that I'm most thankful for,
this is a common answer, but I can back it up,
is my family.
Because my nephew, Lucas, is now six years old.
And he, when kids have a sense of humor,
it's like just miraculous.
So he stole my sister's phone, his mom,
figured out that grandma is listed as mom in the phone.
And he calls her up and he's like,
Michael's in the hospital.
He's really sick.
He didn't want to tell you.
And she's freaking out.
He goes, prank.
So I took him, Dinesh D'Souza just released a movie
called Police State, which is actually really good.
Highly recommended.
I was surprised how much I liked it.
Because he wasn't going Republicans, good Democrats bad.
It was just about authoritarianism.
And he had a movie premiere at Mar-a-Lago.
So I'm like, I got to bring Lucas to Mar-a-Lago.
So Lucas is, I'm like, we're going to the president's house.
He's like, oh, the White House?
And I'm like, no, no, like a former president.
He goes, oh, Abe Lincoln?
And I'm like, okay, Kid Logic.
He's giving logical answers.
This is kind of like AI.
You have to program it to, it's using logic correctly.
You should have told him as a president
that's second to only Abe Lincoln
in terms of greatness.
Accomplishments, yeah.
He went up to all the women in their ball gowns,
evening gowns, and he goes, you're so beautiful.
Were you born as a girl?
So when you have this six year old asking you this,
it was really, really fun.
So that is a great joy to have a nephew.
And I have another one, Zach, who's coming up in age
and he's starting to talk now.
That is really, really fun for me.
Getting to watch them find out about the world
for the first time.
And also training them, like that he loves being funny
and having fun.
But you're his audience, in a sense.
Yeah, but-
Because you giggle and-
I can, we're prank bros.
He gives me a high five.
My family, and this is, you talk about what I find funny,
this is the things that actually enrage me.
When people, and this is such a wasp thing,
don't just go with the joke, or they're like,
I don't get it, or they don't understand to just go with it.
I was in the car with my sister when she was like 10, 12,
whatever, she's much younger than me.
She's like 12 years younger.
And there's this species of squid, by the way,
which is asymmetric.
One of its eyes is very much bigger than the other
because it swims horizontally.
One's looking up, one's looking down,
where there's more light.
Shout out.
If you want to learn more about squids,
go to octonation.com.
Octonation, shout out.
Shout out to Warren.
There's a lot of fascinating stuff.
Octonation on Instagram.
Yes.
I was in the car with my sister.
She's like 10 or 12.
Me as a pirate.
I'm sorry for the rude interruptions.
I appreciate that count, especially.
Yeah, it's a great, yeah.
These jokes and thoughts are coming to me
at like a 10 second delay, so I apologize.
Anyway, you were telling about the asymmetrical-
I know where I was, don't worry.
So I told my-
Sometimes you need help.
No.
The age is getting due.
I was-
Your skin is showing it.
It's getting dark.
I told my sister, I go,
when you were born,
one of your eyes was bigger than the other
and you had to have surgery to fix it.
So she turns, she's like, mom.
And my mom goes, honey,
the important thing is that you're beautiful now.
That's like, what's the big deal?
It was just a little surgery.
And my sister's like, all right.
Calls grandma.
And grandma goes,
she goes, Michael said that when I was born,
one of the eyes, she goes,
why is he telling you this now?
It's not a big deal.
The fact that everyone went with this,
I was so impressed.
I was like, this is a quality family
in this very specific regard.
Does your family have a sense of humor?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Soviet culture.
There's like a dark sense of humor.
Very much so, yeah.
There's a-
Wordplay.
Wordplay.
Yeah, yeah.
And especially the Russian language
allows for some like hilarity to it.
There's also a culture of like poetry
and like my dad, my mom too,
but they remember a lot of lines from books and poems.
So there's just, you can do a lot of fascinating references
that add to the humor and the richness of the conversation.
I feel like that's a very Russian thing.
Like at a party or maybe at a bar or something,
I don't know where you'd meet people.
These are such great ice, I meant in Russia.
I meant, these would be such good icebreakers, right?
You go up to someone who goes,
hey, did you hear this one, Novorynikdot,
and you just tell them some little story.
Did you say icebreakers because it's cold in Russia?
I'm here all night.
That's why you never leave the house.
Literally.
I feel like that's a thing.
Yeah.
And that's not a thing in America.
You mean like witty banter?
Meaning you go up to a stranger and that's your icebreaker.
You tell them this little joke.
And since everyone kind of has the same sensibilities,
right away, you guys are chatting.
I don't think that's a thing here.
Here it's more small talk, which drives me crazy.
So what else are you thankful for?
Well, what's something you're thankful for?
Well, you went with family.
I'm definitely thankful for family.
Okay.
How, if I may ask, how did they react to you?
Like you're sitting down with Elon,
you're sitting down with Netanyahu,
you're sitting down with all these big, with Kanye.
All these big names.
Are they expressing that they're proud of you?
Or is it more like, why haven't you talked to this person?
Yeah.
More Michael Malice, please.
People's choice.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're, they're very proud.
They've been very, they're very, I mean,
but they get argumentative and we just,
they're just like a regular human being with whom I'm close.
And we just argue about stuff.
They're not, maybe not enough show the being proud of,
but that, that part is just the nature of our relationship.
It's also Soviet parents.
Yeah. I don't talk to my dad.
That's one of the reasons.
Cause there's never ever any good job.
And at a certain point it's like,
why am I trying to search for approval
from someone I'm never getting it for
and from who it wouldn't mean anything at this point anyway.
Well, that's interesting.
I mean, there's a journey like that
for a lot of people with their father or with their mother,
like they're always trying to find approval.
Right.
And that's life for a lot of people.
Yeah.
That's, that's a really big part of the human condition
is that relationship you have with your father,
with your mother.
I don't know.
It's a beautiful thing.
So it's, well, there has been a rough childhood
or a beautiful one, all of it.
That's who you are.
Like that, the relationship,
especially early on in your life with your father,
with your mother is like extremely formative.
Yeah.
My dad taught me a lot of things at a young age
that I'm very, very grateful for.
He was, he's extremely intelligent, very flawed,
and that's fine.
We all are, except for me.
And it's the kind of things that when you learn things
that are right age,
and this is one of the things I like about being older
is that when I'm friends with people.
Much older.
Much older, but much, much older.
When I have friends who are younger,
it's very easy for me to keep them
from making the mistakes I did.
So at least this is something I'm getting out of it
is that, okay, I can't fix these mistakes,
but it just takes me 30 seconds
and I can pull you back from making the mistake.
So he taught me a lot as a kid.
He really encouraged me very much to,
he's a very good sense of humor
and also very bad in some ways.
Dad jokes, but also really funny jokes.
But also this love of learning,
that I got that from him.
And I mean, I have got literally right now
98 books on my shelf to read.
It's just a life.
That makes me, I remember I had a friend
and she ran into someone she went to high school with
and he stopped you on the train.
And he's like, yo, you're not in college.
You don't need to read books anymore.
And I was just horrified to hear this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Boy, don't I know it.
I mean, you laugh, but when you got,
there's a lot of things I don't understand.
When you got heat for like,
I want to read the Western classics.
To me, that might've been like the internet
at its absolute worst.
I think there's just a cynical perspective you can take
that there, this is such a simple celebration of a thing
that there must be something behind it.
I think the internet for good and bad is just skeptical.
Like what's behind this?
My hero, Albert Camus.
And if there's one thing I would want to fight,
it's cynicism.
Yeah.
Because it's such a giving up.
Everything sucks.
This sucks, that sucks, this sucks.
Most things suck.
Most standard comedians suck.
Most movies suck.
All podcasts suck.
But it doesn't matter.
Especially yours.
Especially mine.
It's unwatchable.
You're welcome.
You can't even spell it correctly.
What?
But the stuff that's good is what matters.
Who cares if 90% of movies are terrible?
Like they're the ones that change your life.
The books, the people, the comedians,
the shows, the music.
And even the terrible things have good moments,
beautiful moments.
Some, not all.
Your podcast being an example of not all.
I've literally just, I keep listening for something good.
Something good.
In all fairness, none of my guests have anything to offer.
That's not on me, I try.
Yeah, well, I wish you'd talk a little less
in your podcast.
It's a little excessive.
I only listen for the underwear commercials.
Sheathunderwear.com.
Probably called Malice.
I think you did this,
I haven't seen you do it in a while,
but this kind of commentary on a debate,
or I think it was with Rand.
I think an Ayn Rand debate or something like this.
Oh yeah, Malice at the Movies.
I watched the video and I broke it down.
That was really great.
I wish you did that more.
I haven't done live streaming in a long time.
It was something I was doing a lot in New York
especially during COVID.
I feel that, I don't know, I'm having,
I got so many projects on the plate.
Oh, this is something else I'm thankful for.
This is something I'm very, very thankful for.
And I'm gonna announce it here.
Coming out of the closet, finally.
Go ahead.
Who's the lucky guy?
You're the one in drag.
Guns out, guns out, the sleeves off.
He makes me call him sex freedman.
You like it.
So I didn't say it, didn't even imply that.
When I, in, as you probably know,
as you know, but as many people watching this also know,
Harvey P. Carr, who had the comic book series
American Splendor, was the subject
of the movie American Splendor.
He wrote a graphic novel about me in 2006
called Ego and Hubris, which goes for like $150 on eBay.
It's not worth it, just download it.
And I met Harvey because I wrote this screenplay
about this band from the 80s called Rubber Rodeo.
It's a real band.
And the keyboardist, Gary Lieb, who passed away,
rest in peace, Gary, introduced me to Harvey
because he did the animation for the movie.
And the script's been in my desk for over 20 years.
And I realized, thanks to my buddy Eric July,
who has some huge success with his comics,
I could just produce this as a graphic novel.
So I've got an artist, we're getting it together,
so I'm gonna make it happen finally.
And it's some of the best writing I've ever done.
I'm really proud of the story.
It's kind of ironic reading it now
because when you're a writer, obviously,
different books, you put different aspects
of yourself into them, right?
And this story is very, very dark
because basically they did all the right things
and they went nowhere, right?
And what I realized was, reading it now,
that all these fears I had over 20 years ago
about what if I'm not gonna make it,
what if I'm doing all the hard work
and it's still not enough, now it's been disproven
because I can at least pay my rent.
Do you feel like you've made it?
As you said, you could pay your rent.
I feel that to make it is if you can pay your,
if you don't have to have a boss.
And you know how I really felt like I made it?
This is gonna sound like a joke and it's not.
This is being an immigrant.
I own, as you know, Margaret Thatcher's bookcases.
Yes.
So to me, as an immigrant,
to have her bookcases in my house, I've made it.
You're right, it's not a joke.
There's nothing funny about it at all.
Not laughing.
Stop being serious.
Oh, nice.
Oh, now I'm more nervous and aroused.
So what else are you thankful for?
So we're both thankful for family.
I mean, the fact that I can-
Still get it up.
What's that?
Nothing, go ahead.
I think as an author to be able to write what you want
and have of enough an audience that it covers your living,
that's as good as it gets as an author almost.
You don't need to be Stephen King or some legend.
It's like, you know, there's lots of standups
who aren't like world famous,
but they have perfectly good living.
They do their gig.
They do what they love.
I feel very, very blessed.
You must be thankful for your career.
Yeah, yeah, career-wise.
But I think the best part about it is just meeting,
making friends with people I admire.
Okay.
Quite honestly, just friends.
The people that have gotten to know me,
I hide from the world sometimes.
I hit some low points,
especially with all the new experiences
and just the people that have been there for me
and haven't given up on me.
There's days, and I'm sure you've had this also,
where I literally don't speak to someone the whole day.
And in certain times in my life,
I remember very vividly.
I was in DC in 97.
I was an intern.
And that summer, DC closes down on the weekends.
And I remember those weekends when I got off the phone
with the third person,
I knew there was no possibility anyone was gonna call
and what that felt like.
And it was dark, and it was bad.
So I remember those feelings of loneliness a lot.
I still feel alone like that sometimes.
You don't feel alone?
Not anymore.
What's the reason, you think?
Because I have a lot of people
who I care about and who care about me.
The thing about moving to Austin
is I forgot how lonely New York got
because it was one after another, I lost everybody.
And then you start losing the places you go to.
And then it was just like, holy crap, I'm very isolated.
And here in Austin, there's not as much to do, obviously,
as in New York, but there's a lot of people here,
more people are coming all the time.
So if I ever want to hang out with someone,
I've got a long list.
And these are people who I've known for a very long time,
people who know me quite well, so I could be myself,
my awful, awful, awful, awful, awful self.
And that is something I don't take lightly.
I moved to Texas, it's gonna secede.
Yeah.
It's just a very-
Do you know what happened with that?
No.
I forgot the guy's name and it's probably for the best.
Monday, on Monday, a guy in the Texas legislature
introduces a bill to have it on the referendum
for Texas to declare its independence.
Tuesday, I'm on Rogan, me and him discuss it,
I give it national attention.
It was also really funny because a lot of people are like,
these people have been in Texas five minutes, blah, blah.
I go to the Texas legislature, meet with the guy,
have a nice conversation.
Month or two later, unanimous, I think,
he gets voted, kicked out of Congress
because he got an intern drunk
and was inappropriate with her.
And at least it was the girl in this case.
But yeah, so it's like,
that was my little Texas independence moment.
Oh.
It didn't go anywhere.
It did not go anywhere.
Well.
But it's still part of the platform,
the Texas Republican Party.
Yeah.
It's fascinating the history of you is probably laden
with stories like this of failed revolutionaries.
We celebrate the heroes, but then there's the losers.
Myself.
Yeah.
And we're gonna mark that one as a failure and edit it out.
And moving on.
So thankful, yeah, friendships, right?
But by the way, I wanna say just to you,
I'm thankful in this lonely moments
for people who write books.
I've been listening to audio books a lot and reading a lot.
I really like audio books actually.
And just like, I don't know,
I can just name random person,
Serhi Plohi, he's a historian I'm reading on the-
Wait, I read him.
What do you, what do you-
I just see, he written a book most recently
about the Russia Ukraine war.
He wrote another one that I read.
Didn't he write-
Empires, I think.
The Fall of the Soviet Union or something like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was very, very good.
He's great.
I used him as a resource for the White Pill.
He's objective while still having emotion and feeling to it.
Like he has a bias.
That's fine.
But without,
a lot of times when you write a story that involves Putin,
people are really ideological.
They don't really like,
they don't write with a calmness and the clarity
and the rigor of history.
There's emotion in it.
Like there's almost a virtue signaling.
And he doesn't have that,
even though he is Ukrainian
and has very strong opinions on the matter.
Anyway, there's people like that.
And he does an incredible job researching a recent event.
Like he says,
I was looking at everything that's been written
about the war in Ukraine and realizing,
the old Churchill line,
that historians are the worst ones
to write about current events except everybody else.
And so he's like,
I might as well just write about this war.
And he doesn't accept from a job summarizing
day by day the details of this war.
Anyway, so I'm just grateful for a guy like that.
For me, I'll name some historians I love.
Arthur Herman, Victor Sebastian is probably my favorite.
David Petrusia, P-I-E-T-R-U-S-Z-A.
When you are a historian,
and I tried to do this to some degree in the white pill
and as much as I could.
But yeah, when you take data
and you make it read like a novel,
so you're learning about who we are as people,
what had happened,
but also it's entertaining and readable.
That to me is like the acme of writing.
And I have so much admiration.
What does acme mean?
Top.
Okay.
Zenith.
Zenith, okay.
This is what writers do.
They just come up with these incredibly sophisticated words.
I'm impressed.
Well, acme is-
Because you could have just said the best of writing.
Acme is also the company in like Bugs Bunny
and Wile E. Coyote.
It's always acme, you know, acme.
Yeah.
Like acme bombs.
When they are that good,
it just leaves me in awe.
It's just the-
Ron Charnow is another one.
Who?
He wrote the Hamilton biography.
Oh, nice.
Oh, I have a lot of favorite historians
about the whole time period of World War II.
William Shire.
People that lived during it especially.
I really liked those accounts.
Obviously Solzhenitsyn, he's not a historian,
but his accounts are fascinating.
You actually, how much do you talk about Solzhenitsyn?
Never.
Not much, right?
Why not?
I feel like I wanted to,
there's nothing I could add to him.
Oh, he's the Michael Malice of the previous century.
No, he's talented, charismatic, and skilled.
So he's not the Michael Malice.
Yeah, I did not,
I feel like I didn't read Gulag Archipelago
for the White Pill.
You didn't?
I didn't, no.
I got a lot of it from Anne Applebaum,
who's a very controversial figure.
Her history books on the Soviet Union, I think are superb,
but she's also accused of being very much like a neo-con
and being a warmonger in contemporary times.
Oh, I see.
And I think comparisons between Putin and Stalin,
although there is a Venn diagram,
I think are a bit much,
because I think it's very hard to claim
that if Putin conquered Ukraine,
that there'd be a genocide.
I think that's a very hard argument to make.
In these tense times,
even the comparisons of what's going on in Israel
on either side, comparisons to the Holocaust,
are also troubling in this way.
Yes, and I also don't like how that,
I got in trouble, there was some literal demon
who works at the Atlantic.
As opposed to a regular demon?
As opposed to a figurative demon.
I didn't know they employed demons.
They exclusively employed demons at the Atlantic.
And he was giving me crap,
this was a couple of years ago on Twitter,
because I didn't think it's appropriate
to refer to George Soros as a Holocaust survivor.
And I'm like, listen, if you want to put him
in the same context as Anne Frank, knock yourself out.
But I think that's so completely disingenuous
and frankly repulsive to me, morally,
to equivocate between figures like that.
And also to claim that anyone who is a billionaire,
who is, including Elon, including Sheldon Adelson,
there's no shortage of these people.
If you want to use your extreme wealth
used to influence politics,
you have to be up for criticism.
And to protect people, Bill Gates,
to protecting these people from criticism
just on the basis of their identity is deranged to me.
But also the Holocaust as a historical event
and the atrocities within it are just singular in history.
And so comparing them-
What's the utility?
Right, you're just basically trying to take this brand,
I'm using that term in a very specific way,
and latch, like when they say climate denial,
no one's denying climate exists.
So you're just trying to go off of Holocaust denial.
I think it's shameless.
And I think it's gross.
And it cheapens everything.
There's deep, important lessons about the Holocaust.
Yes.
To me, the lessons are about how extreme it can get.
And how fast.
Yeah, and how fast.
That's the one.
So people ask, oh, are humans basically good?
Are they basically evil?
I always say they're basically animals.
And I think people are,
most people are almost fundamentally deranged
and that there's basically this veneer
of civilization and decency.
And when shit hits the fan,
and we see this over and over,
they do things that would have been completely unthinkable,
even to themselves five years ago.
Most people are fundamentally deranged
with a veneer of civility.
There's a show called-
I think I disagree with that.
Well, what's the show called?
I'm having Alzheimer's because of the advanced age.
The age, the skincare.
There's a show called I Think You Should Leave.
It's a sketch company.
Okay, sorry.
It's a sketch comedy show.
And he captures these great,
how's your hair, princess?
He captures these great moments
of just the very thin veneer of normalcy
and just the craziness
that's so frequently lurking underneath.
Another great example of this
when this is dealing with people who are literally crazy,
have you ever seen the show Hoarders?
So every episode of Hoarders,
there's usually two people in every episode,
but every episode has the same plot line.
Veneer of normalcy, veneer of normalcy,
veneer of normalcy, slight expression of concern,
full-blown derangement.
And it always follows that exact pattern.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think the deep ocean of the human mind is good.
Like there's a longing to be good to others.
I have seen literally no evidence of this.
And I know everything's the deep ocean with you people,
but like-
What do you mean you people?
Pirates.
Oh.
I don't see it.
You-
What's that, Mr. Parrot?
You're an anti-Semite?
No, that's not nice to say
in front of such a large audience.
You're embarrassing me, Mr. Parrot.
Lex, you have-
What's that, Mr. Parrot?
You have-
He's a run-of-the-mill troll and barely an intellectual.
That's not nice to say.
That's not true.
We talked about this.
You have to see the good in people.
You have seen personally how quickly and easily it is
for human beings to form outgroups
and to just read others,
just as I just did a minute ago with the Atlantic,
completely out of the human race.
And that happens constantly and very easily.
Humans are tribal beings.
So that does not-
I don't see how that's compatible
with this essential desire to do good.
No, I think it's like in 1984, the two minutes of hate.
There is a part of humans that wants to be tribal
and wants to direct, get angry and hateful.
And then that hate is easy to direct.
Especially people as you, as an anarchist,
talk about the people in power that can direct that anger.
But I think if you just look at recent human history,
the desire for good,
the communal desire for good outweighs that, I think.
Like most of life on earth right now,
people are being good to each other
in a most fundamental sense
relative to how nature usually works.
I think you're both wrong about people and about nature.
So nature is not inherently violent in the sense like,
for example, if anyone has an aquarium,
or if you look at wildlife,
yeah, you're going to have predator or prey,
but these animals are going to be coexisting
and they're going to be ignoring each other
for the most part, right?
And as for humans being essentially good,
I think humans are essentially, to each other you said,
I think they're essentially civil and amiable,
but that's not really being good.
Good, I think, is a thing that gets illustrated
when you're challenged,
when there's difficult situations.
I mean, civility is a good starting point.
And then when there's a big challenge that comes,
people step up on average.
I completely agree with you that human beings are capable
of such profound goodness
that it kind of makes you extremely emotional.
And I certainly think that that's true,
but I think that that's more unusual than is the norm.
I see beauty everywhere.
So do I, but that doesn't mean it's in every person.
Not in every person, but in most people.
I think, I mean,
I wish there was a really good way to measure this.
My general sense of the world is just,
there's so much incredible both in terms of economics,
in terms of art, in terms of just creation as a whole,
that's happened over the past century,
that it feels like the good is out powering the bad.
You just did the perfect segue to the box.
What's in the box?
Is it your fragile ego?
That's my, you stole my joke.
You stole my joke.
That was the joke I made at you before we recorded.
You stole my joke.
No, I did.
I write you all your material, you hack.
So as you know, I have a lot of beautiful stuff in my house
because I think it's something very important,
everyone listening.
If you accomplish something that is great,
some achievement,
what I like to do is buy myself something
to remember that moment.
Because sometimes when it's hard,
you forget you've done great things in your life.
You've had accomplishments.
It doesn't have to be some amazing factory.
It could just be like my first job
where I got a raise or you know what,
I, anything.
So there's this amazing sculptor
named Jake Michael Singer.
Singer who's a sculptor.
And I saw a piece of his.
How's his singing voice?
This is a joke song.
I do want to cross that.
Well hold on, I could go somewhere with this.
How's his singing voice?
Do you want me to write your joke for you?
Yeah, what's the punchline?
Hard.
There it is, that's it.
That's what she said.
So I followed him on Instagram.
He followed me back.
And he's like, if I made,
he says, what's the point of being an artist
if the work I create isn't in the spaces of people
I like and admire?
He's a big fan of yours.
You've given him, in our episodes together, give him joy.
So he said, if I make Lex a sculpture,
will he put on the shelf behind him?
And what that reminded me of is when I was a kid,
you read Batman comics and there's the Batcave.
And the Batcave has all this cool stuff in it.
I didn't realize until much later
that all of those things in the Batcave
had an origin story.
So the giant penny, the dinosaur,
there was actually a story where that came from.
So if you're a fan of a show, you can spot,
oh, this is when this appeared,
this is when that appeared, this and that appeared.
So he made you this sculpture.
He lives in Turkey and it's called Chance Murmur.
And it is, I haven't even seen it yet.
It is absolutely beautiful.
So you want to do a little unboxing?
Yes.
Okay.
Axe or body spray?
All right.
Let's do it.
Let's unbox.
I'm so excited.
He likes this out of the box.
You know that Steven Seagal movie
where there's like a stripper that comes out of the box?
Is that?
Under siege.
He's on a boat.
You're not an action film guy.
No.
One.
What does the pirate say when he turns 80?
I'm 80.
I'm 80.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, that's how I know you don't like human.
I just don't like pirates.
Well, your mom does.
Do you play any musical instruments?
Nope.
Neither do you.
I've seen your guitar videos.
Ha.
Okay.
Here's a big piece of wood for you.
That's what it feels like, just so you know.
Oh, wow.
Oh my God.
He's traveled across the world.
So here's why his work speaks so much to me.
So first of all,
he's combining so many different references.
It's Nike, the goddess of victory, right?
It looks like an angel as well.
The Italian futurists, which is my favorite art movement
from the early 20th century,
they tried to capture motion in 2D or 3D form.
Well, Jake, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for creating beautiful things.
Thank you for caring about somebody like me
and somebody like Michael, who really feels the love.
That's the other thing.
When you have something that matters to you in your house
and you're having a bad day, you can look at it
and remember, you know what I mean, that spirit of joy.
And I actually have a list here.
Okay, I got a little rant ready.
You want to hear my rant?
Yeah, let's go.
One of the things that drives me crazy
is when people, especially conservatives,
think that all contemporary art is ugly
or abstract or literally garbage.
And there's a lot of that,
but so much of the stuff out there in galleries
is not only not crazy expensive,
but they're trying to sell things for people in their house.
And these are young artists, they're trying to add beauty.
I have a list.
So if you don't believe me
and you think all contemporary art is garbage or terrible,
go to the website or any of these places
that I'm going to rattle off, look through them,
and you're telling me that it's not about creating beauty
and joy and things in people's lives.
So I don't have any relationship with any of these people.
These are just some galleries I follow on Instagram.
Outre Gallery, Antler Gallery, Giant Robot 2,
Beinart, I don't know how to pronounce it, I'm sorry,
B-E-I-N-A-R-T, Spoke Art Gallery,
VAR Gallery in Milwaukee, I was there.
The pieces were not expensive at all.
What kind of art are we talking about?
Everything?
Paintings. Mostly paintings.
Some sculptures too, like this.
Corey Helford is my favorite one in LA.
Knight Gallery, Vertical Gallery, Avant Gallery,
Hive Gallery, Haven Gallery, and Curio Art Gallery.
I'm telling you, it's not exorbitant.
This is not the kind of thing where you have to go
to a museum and be like, this doesn't make sense to me.
You look at it right away.
You're like, okay, I know what this is,
and it's beautiful, it's awesome.
And you're supporting someone who's young and creative
trying to do something and make the world a better place.
So I'm a big fan of the contemporary art scene.
A lot of it is not great,
but even the stuff that's not great
is very rarely disgusting or gross.
It's just like, okay, I've seen this before,
or something like that.
Okay.
There's a stand-up where I'll pay money for the ticket,
and someone's like, who's an opener?
It's like, I wouldn't pay to see him perform,
but he sure still made me laugh.
That person is still by far more good than bad.
So a lot of this art isn't stuff I would own,
but it's like, okay, I get it, I like it.
Well, as the analogy goes,
I really like going to open mics actually,
because like fun, it sounds absurd to say,
but funny isn't the only thing
that's beautiful about stand-up comedy.
It's the acting.
The acting.
It's going for it.
It's trying to be funny.
It's taking the leap, trying the joke.
And some of the best stuff is actually funny,
but the audience is like three people,
two of whom are drunk and bored,
and you're still going for it.
And that's like, that's the human spirit right there.
Roseanne was telling me how Gilbert Gottfried would go on.
It was like three in the morning,
and it was like five,
her and like three other comics in the audience.
And like, they all were just dying.
Like he was just killing them.
Who was your favorite comedian?
Dave Smith.
Who?
And cut scene.
Favorite comedian.
First, I'm Norm Macdonald.
If you like put a gun to my head
and had to answer really quickly, that would be him.
Okay.
I would also say Louis CK.
Oh, wow, yeah.
Oh my God.
But that's almost like a vanilla answer
at this moment in history,
because it's like-
Louis CK is pretty radioactive.
He is.
Well, yeah, he does it.
The tough topics.
Sure.
The best.
Mitch Heidberg.
The wit of a good one-liner is great.
I guess that's what Norm Macdonald's genius at.
What about you?
I mean, we're so fortunate to be here in Austin
because that comedy Mothership,
you go there and like people are just killing it.
David Lucas is amazing.
Ty Rivera.
Ty Rivera probably did the best set I've seen
since I've been here in Austin.
And I watched him and I'm like,
this guy's even like even bitchier than I am.
So I reached out to him.
So he's just terrific.
David Lucas is another one, a buddy of mine.
You just said a choice, I think.
I'm thinking Dave Landau, excuse me, Dave Landau.
Joe Mackie.
Old age, catching up.
It's true though.
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
Dave Lucas.
You ever been to the comedy Mothership?
It's a great spot.
Where is that?
Is that in Austin?
Austin.
Is that where Willie Nelson is from?
I haven't really, go ahead.
Oh, I heard a joke about that the other week.
What's the-
Tell the joke again.
What's the only thing worse
than giving head to Willie Nelson?
What?
If he says, I'm not Willie Nelson.
What's that, Mr. Parrot?
I know he's not funny.
He's better.
He thinks he's better on Twitter.
That's not nice to say right in front of his face.
Just think how he feels.
The statue is Chance Murmur is judging you.
Chance.
It's called Chance Murmur.
Chance Murmur.
God, that's so beautiful.
That's gorgeous.
This is another reason I hate cynicism.
And I talk about this a lot.
Even your son, Etsy.
There's so many small, not huge companies,
like individual artisans who are creating great stuff
and just making it happen.
And it's really sad for me where people can't see that.
Or if they're like,
well, how can I be excited about a sculpture
when blah, blah, blah, the Middle East.
And it's just like, you can always look for an excuse stuff,
look for joy,
or you could look for an excuse to look for joy.
Yeah, Etsy's incredible.
I feel the same way about Only Fans.
I can't even get that out of my mouth
before laughing at my own failed joke.
That's what she said.
All right.
That might be one of the first,
that's what she said from Michael Malice.
Yeah.
I'm gonna count that.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with mine
cause I got my own.
Mine's three feet tall.
Just like me.
Mine was much bigger.
Yeah.
And it was giving me an inferiority complex.
I think I'm gonna invade Russia.
That's a Napoleon reference.
For those in the audience.
I don't know if I'm gonna,
I think I'm gonna put it in my bedroom
so it's the first thing I see when I wake up.
Put it in the bedroom?
Yeah.
Do we get through everything we're thankful for?
No, I've got lots of things I'm thankful for.
What else?
Friends, family, we said books.
I'm thankful for career.
I'm thankful for, I am thankful for,
and I know people are gonna lose their minds
and I can hear them flipping out already.
I am thankful for social media.
Yeah.
I'm thankful for several reasons.
First, it is a way for people to make connections
that they couldn't have made in years past.
That if you got some weird hobby,
you can find that other person's weird hobby
and you make that connection.
It's a great way to stay in touch permanently for people,
otherwise you'd lose touch with whatever venue.
And it's also a great way to expose corporate depravity.
When you have these organizations that are dishonest,
I think the community notes thing on Twitter
is the greatest thing ever.
Yeah, it's incredible.
I wish they would pay attention
to the Michael Malice account more often.
You shouldn't be encouraging anyone
to pay attention to my Twitter account.
It's a dumpster fire.
And I don't mean Bridget,
I mean like a literal bridge of fantasy.
Bridget, by the way, is amazing.
But your Twitter account makes, yes, not here.
I wish she did.
She's in Georgetown.
No, I mean, in this, where we're sitting.
It's a joke, Michael.
Is it?
Yeah.
But I'm just really glad about,
it's another way for people
who before would have felt very alone.
I know some people do feel alone,
but for other people, it makes them feel connected.
There's been a lot of talk about antisemitism recently.
What's your sense about this?
Is there, is antisemitism like any other brand of hate?
There's a lot of hate out there.
No, I don't think it's like any other brand of hate.
Because I don't think racists or transphobes
or homophobes or misogynists or xenophobes
argue openly or even not so openly
for the killing of black Americans,
transgender people, gay people, women, or immigrants.
And it's not only something that's talked about,
it's something that has actually happened
in not just the Holocaust,
but just centuries of pogroms, right?
There's this great book that I read many years ago
called The Satanization of the Jews.
Camille Palia recommended it, and I read it.
And they live in this certain specific kind of antisemitism.
And again, I'm not talking about
people who are against Israel or something.
I'm talking specifically about Jew hatred.
They have this moral calculus that Jews are the only people
who are capable of good or evil,
and Jews are exclusively capable of evil.
And for example, if you look at the George W. Bush White House
you had W, you had Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell,
Donald Rumsfeld, a lot of these neo-con advisors.
So if there's 10 people in a room
and there's one Jewish person, it's his fault,
and the rest are Jew-controlled.
So again, they only exist as a puppet of Jews
in this kind of worldview.
And it's like that, to me, if there were no Jews on earth,
it is crazy to say that John Bolton and Liz Cheney
and Lindsey Graham wouldn't be pushing for more war.
That makes no sense to me.
It's like you blame the Jews when bad things happen,
but when a Jewish person does something good,
it doesn't really matter.
Or just wait, he's going to do something bad.
Well, yeah, that's true.
Human beings do good things
and then they do bad things sometimes.
But it only counts
when that Jewish person does the bad thing.
I wonder what's a way to fight anti-Semitism
and fight hate in general.
I think the only, or the best way,
because I thought a lot about this,
about how did gay Americans
go from being universally hated and despised
to the point that many people in the 80s
went to their graves, those who had AIDS,
without even telling their parents
because they were so scared,
to now Times Square is just covered in pride flags.
And I think, and this also works for Islamophobia
and some of these other bigotry,
is what I call the ambassador program.
Because as soon as you know someone
who is a member of a certain group,
it is a lot harder to be bigoted against them.
Because instead of this being this out group
that's somewhere out there,
it's like, wait a minute, I work with this guy.
Yeah, he's kind of a jerk.
Maybe he sees things a little differently than me,
but this guy is not a horrible human being.
So I think the only way to fight any form of bigotry
is to be a good example of the counter
to these whatever archetype or stereotype is in the culture.
Carl Marx wrote that religion is the sigh
of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world
and the soul of a soulless condition.
It is the opium of the people, as the famous phrase goes.
Do you think he has a point?
No, I hate that quote.
I absolutely hate it.
I despise this sort of Reddit internet atheist activism
for the simple reason that I know many people
who in finding faith
have become objectively better human beings.
They start living consciously,
they take morality seriously,
they try, we all fail, to be moral good people.
So this sneering that these midwits,
these marginally intelligent people have
towards religious people.
Now, lots of religious people use religion
to rationalize their bad behavior
or sinful or big egos, so on and so forth.
That exists, that's true.
But to say that it never helps anyone
and it's universally.
See, Marx was talking about a period,
I'll defend his quote, when his argument was
the masses are being starved and oppressed
but they're promised,
don't worry, you'll have riches in heaven.
So you should let yourself be pushed around now
and this is kind of this BS bargain
that the people are being given.
So that was, I think, the point he was making.
It's not, it certainly doesn't apply nowadays.
I have a close to the family in the Midwest,
they're good Christian people.
I remember very specifically this guy, shout out to him,
Sean Sherrod, I went to college with him, David Lucas.
And-
Have you checked out the Comedy Mother show?
Great, great club.
Where is it, is it Austin?
Willie Nelson.
You know, I was 17, 18, freshman year
and I was reading all this criticism of the Bible
and I was like, look, this is in there,
look at this in there.
And he put his hand on my shoulder
and he says, Michael, there's nothing you're gonna tell me
that's going to make me lose my faith.
And that was a very self-aware and profound thing to say.
As I've gotten older and I have lots of religious people,
there's no part of me that thinks they're wrong
or they should be mocked.
It's like, it also reminds me of when people sneer
at addicts in recovery, they're like,
alcoholism is a disease, it's a choice.
It's like, wait a minute, you don't know what it's like
to have your entire life ruined by drugs or alcohol.
And if you have to tell yourself, you know,
I have this disease and blah, blah, blah,
and that keeps you from drinking
and now you're a moral upstanding person who's reliable
and takes responsibility for their actions,
I don't see the harm at all.
So I think this kind of activist atheism is cheap.
I don't agree with it whatsoever
and I do not like that quote at all.
But otherwise, big fan of Marx.
I mean, I think there's a fan of mine,
I forget who it was, apologies.
He had this great quote, he goes, and this is me talking,
he goes, the games people play to feel smarter than others
is depressing and annoying.
And I think this kind of fedora, internet atheism
is a good example, because here's the other thing,
if you've proven that someone else is stupid,
that doesn't mean you're smart, you could both be stupid.
So congrats, you proved someone else is stupid, who cares?
Yeah, and sneering in all forms in general is just not...
Great.
That's one of the things I block out people
on social media instantly,
you're not going to sneer at me in my space.
You could steer me all you want in your space,
but I'm not putting up with your crap, I don't know you.
MySpace, great social network.
Is that on 6th Street?
AOL.com.
Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo,
clang, clang, clang, that's how Lex comes.
Like Pavlov's dog, that was the sound
before you get to see, spend 10 minutes waiting
for an image of a lady load, one line at a time.
Yeah.
Well, I recently talked to John Mirshammer.
I don't know if you know him at all.
So he has this idea about offensive realism.
It's a way to analyze the world international relations.
And the basic idea, and I'll run it by you
and see what you think, is that states, nations
want to survive and they try to do so
by maximizing power, military power.
And he talks about anarchy quite a bit
in that one of these underlying assumptions
of this way of viewing the world
is that states are anarchic towards each other.
Yes, that's true.
And they operate under a lot of uncertainty.
States cannot be sure that other states
will not use military capabilities against them.
They want to survive and they want to use military power
to control the uncertainty, to protect themselves.
So I disagree in that regard.
And I see on your bookshelf, I think the world
is a lot closer to brave new world than it is to 1984.
And I think it is, if you look at,
let's suppose China's influence in America, right?
The influence is far more through soft power
than military power.
China doesn't threaten America through,
we're going to kill you.
It's more like their infiltration of universities,
TikTok, things of that nature.
Maybe this would have worked before the pop culture era,
but I think one of the reasons we have
this kind of American hegemony
isn't just a function of American military.
I think it's much more a function
of American popular culture.
When you're exporting ideas and culture,
it makes other people in other countries feel closer to you
and also regard you as a friend
and also to adopt your value.
It's a great way to spread propaganda.
It seems to correlate though, right?
It's interesting.
It's an interesting idea, what has more power,
the viral spread of ideas or the power of the military.
It seems that the United States
is at the top of the world on both.
That's true.
And so it's hard to disentangle the two.
Let's look at Europe.
American culture is very popular in Europe
in many ways, right?
The best music comes out of Sweden, Swedish indie pop.
They're singing in English, so on and so forth.
None of this is a function,
maybe it's a function of post-World War II to some extent,
but I don't think it's a function of American bases there.
I think it's a function of we're exporting our music,
our TV shows and our movies.
Yeah, it's interesting.
If the battleground will be Brave New World,
the battle of ideas.
I think it's clearly Brave New World.
It's so much cheaper.
And again, this is one of the dark sides of social media
to use influence than it is to use threats.
I think COVID is a good example of this.
So much of the pressure, yes, there was authoritarianism,
but it was the fact that everyone bought into it,
rightly or wrongly,
but the vast majority of the population
was behind all of these things.
And that was through persuasion,
and because people are begging for it to come back
in many cases.
So who's funding you?
Which intelligence agency?
Mossad.
Mossad.
Mossad.
This is how you do great interviewing.
See, he didn't even expect that.
Okay.
What's that, Mr. Parrott?
What's that, Mr. Parrott?
You knew it, but you didn't have any documentation, did you?
I think Mr. Parrott is threatened by better wings
on Chance Murmur.
He gets like that when he's turned on.
He's not threatened.
He can't wait until all three of us are alone together.
It's going to be one hell of a party.
Beaks and feathers everywhere.
And metal.
Yeah, this thing is beautiful.
It's ridiculous.
You have actually a lot of really cool stuff at your place.
So fun.
But what's a cool thing that stands out to you?
Maybe a recent addition.
So I went to the Dallas Museum of Art last year
for my birthday.
And there was a painting I liked.
And I Googled it.
And I saw the auction for that exact painting.
And it was like, I think, three grand.
Which is not cheap, but not something you'd think.
You'd think in a museum,
I could never afford something like this, right?
So when I was in,
I went to Houston with some friends.
The side surfs, Natalie, who made the cake of you.
Cake terrified my mom.
Did it?
Yeah.
Aw.
No, it's not the cake that terrified my mom.
It's you, Michael Mallis, cutting it off.
Cutting the face off.
And laughing maniacally.
Well, Natalie's pregnant.
She's going to have a daughter named Daisy.
So congrats to Natalie.
But I was in the museum with them.
And there was a statue of Thoth,
who's the Egyptian god whose head is an ibis.
It's a bird with a long beak.
And Thoth is the god of the moon, god of knowledge.
And supposedly he invented writing.
So I thought, you know what?
I've always loved ancient Egypt.
I know a lot about it.
And especially the mythology.
It would be really cool as an aspiring author
to have an ancient Egyptian Thoth statue in my house.
Well, it turned out that the Egyptians
also killed and mummified ibises
and buried them with scribes.
And a week after I went to the museum,
there was an auction for an ibis mummy.
And I have it now in my house, still in its bandages,
overlooking my desk.
And we all know it's going to come to life
and peck out my eyes and write with my blood.
But that is one of the recent cool additions.
Another thing I have,
which is like in terms of, holy crap, I've made it.
I have an original Patrick Nagel painting.
And if people don't know the name,
he's like the 80s artist.
He did a Duran Duran cover.
We never see him in nail salons.
I have a male, which were very rare for him to do.
So that's two of my kind of favorite pieces.
He only drew women predominantly.
I have one where we drew a male,
like as a guy in a, like a Jeanette or something.
And now I'm looking forward to,
so Jake made me a three foot tall sculpture
called Future Murmur, which I am ecstatic to get.
Just remind yourself how,
how many fascinating, beautiful people that are out there.
And just the victory and holiness and technology and speed
and how many people have, you know,
fought so that I could do what I do.
Yeah, that's another thing I'm grateful for.
Just like the 100 billion or so people
that came before us.
Yeah.
And also the trillions of life forms
that came before that.
Oh God, I've gone down this trilobite rabbit hole
buying fossils, because as a kid,
I thought trilobites were the coolest thing
and now I've got like 15.
And what's interesting is when you buy trilobite fossils
on eBay, they're listed as used.
Because it's got to be newer used
and according to the programming says used, yeah.
Yeah, but just thinking about all that history,
just all the life forms that came before,
it seems like a really special thing
we have going on earth here.
Oh yeah, I think that's very fair to say.
But I also think this kind of is like,
live life to the fullest, you know,
Camus talked about living to the point of tears,
especially on behalf of people
who didn't have that privilege.
So, you know, I dedicated the white pill
to my parents who got me out of the Soviet Union
and all the kids who never could.
And it's like, when I die, I want everyone else to,
not only they're obviously going to be happy,
but yeah, like I'm not here.
Enjoy what you, you live for me
because I can't have that privilege anymore.
What do you think about Camus as a writer?
I don't like his novels at all.
No, you don't.
At all.
Yeah, you've talked shit about the plague to me.
Yeah, I think the book is pointless.
It's fascinating.
Because all you need to do is read the synopsis
and then you get it.
Like, I don't think his book-
Isn't that true for most books?
No.
I mean, like, you could take, I don't know,
I just don't agree at all.
I mean, it's a sketch in their eye.
There's a lot of books that seem trivial.
I don't think it seems trivial, but I think-
Animal Farm.
Animal Farm is a methodical step-by-step examination
of a transformation from one thing to another.
The plague is not that.
It's a methodical examination
of what a society is like under the plague,
which could symbolize a lot of things,
including the plague directly,
or Nazi Germany, or ideological movements.
It's similar to Animal Farm, maybe not as effective
in terms of using this kind of symbology.
I think Animal Farm has a narrative,
and I'm gonna spoil the whole plague,
the book, The Plague.
Okay.
There's a town, I believe, in Oman.
A plague descends, people struggle to deal with it,
and the plague vanishes as quickly as it came.
The end.
Yeah, but there's the victims,
the people that take advantage of it.
There's the doctor that, amidst the absurdity
and the evil of the plague, is fighting to do good.
Nothing from me.
There's nothing from me.
Okay, well, I can spoil Animal Farm.
There's pigs, there's animals at a farm,
and the humans are abusing them,
and then the animals overthrow the humans,
but then the pigs become just like the humans.
The lesson, kids, is that power corrupts
no matter whether you walk on four or on two.
I thought the lesson was that pigs
are the most human-like animals on the farm.
I thought the lesson was that
there's no sugar candy mountain.
That's right, yeah.
You've interviewed a lot of people.
Yeah.
What have you learned about getting to the soul of a person,
the soul of an idea, from interviewing?
It's just hard to do a good interview.
First off, I'm not interviewing just random people.
I'm interviewing people who are accomplished.
It's not a random group.
That's self-selecting for something different.
But I think that people love to,
and this is very understandable, love to feel seen.
So if you're someone who's done something,
even if you're the best guinea pig breeder in America,
to have someone interested in your work
and listen to what you're saying,
because I remember every book I've written,
I have friends that I wouldn't stop talking about
the person I'm writing with or the North Korea.
At a certain point, I'm sure they're like,
I don't care about this anymore,
but it takes over your brain, you know what I mean?
So if you are someone who has an interest or a hobby,
I'm sure to some extent,
maybe your friends or family are sick of talking about it,
or you don't want to talk about it with them.
That's the private life where you can just be yourself.
So I try to, and this comes from my co-authoring background,
when I'm talking to people to ask the questions
that they haven't heard before.
There's a possibility that this actor,
I'm a huge fan of, is going to be on my show.
I don't want to spoil everything.
And he's got a very specific role that he's known for.
And I know I'm going to, I'm like, okay,
I know it's going to be annoying for you
talking about this one role,
but my goal is to ask questions
that you aren't sick of asking, having been asked.
Porn star or?
No, not a porn star.
That joke failed also, edit out.
What do you know about breeding guinea pigs?
You mentioned it.
I'd love to hear.
I don't know anything.
I'd love to hear more about it.
I always use this as an example.
I said, you meet someone at a party
who breeds guinea pigs, right?
There's two approaches.
Either you're weird, get it okay,
or sit down and tell me everything.
And I'm very much, and all the people I like
are the second group.
When you meet someone who's doing something unusual
and are passionate about it and are good at it,
that to me is the motherlode.
Yeah, that to me also is the thing I enjoy the most.
It's like people that are passionate about a thing.
Who you guys hate.
Do you guys hate the hamster people?
Do you hate the rabbit people?
There's got to be someone that you guys look down on.
Because the marine aquarium people
look down on the freshwater aquarium people.
Yeah, it's a hierarchy.
Yes, there's always going to be a hierarchy.
This is where the left anarchists and I disagree
because they think you can have egalitarianism.
There's going to be a hierarchy.
Hierarchies emerge.
Yes.
There's no anarchy in the guinea pig world.
No, it's just a different kind of anarchy.
Somebody's always breeding somebody else.
Yes.
And looking down on the others.
Yeah, someone's the other.
Whether it's the hamster people, the rat people.
And everybody's breeding.
Yeah.
By the way, are you a anarcho-capitalist?
What flavor of anarchist are you?
I'm an anarchist without adjectives.
I like them all.
The black flag comes in many colors.
Oh, right, you're quoting your own.
Yeah, no, I understand.
There's a beautiful line in the book.
Thank you.
I think the anarcho-capitalists don't give
the left anarchists enough credit,
especially for their courage.
And I do whatever I can in my power
to talk about people like Emma Goldman whenever possible.
Do you still think that are some people
better than others is a good litmus test?
Yes.
It's worked 100% of the time.
And for you, the answer is yes.
I never answered.
Oh.
There's two of them.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
What, are you getting a little Hitchcock up in here?
Oh, hey, careful.
I always got your back.
What little habits in your life make you happy?
Now that you're in Austin.
Oh my God.
I was prepping for this interview
and I imagined this coming up.
And I knew that as I explained this,
you know how sometimes when someone tells a story,
like at first it's amusing, then it's amusing and concerned,
and then you're like, holy shit, like where's the exit?
Yeah, I'm getting nervous already.
You should.
I'm going to tell you something I've told
only a couple of people.
This is my absolutely off the charts
autistic approach to shaving.
Oh.
So I have this insane system.
You asked about habits that give me joy.
I used to hate shaving.
I used to hate it.
There's something called wet shaving.
So wet shaving is you get the brush,
you get the soap that's in a canister,
you stir it up, you paint your face, and then you shave.
The thing is there are dozens
of these shaving soap companies, okay?
So I tried a couple of hundred of these soaps
because you're testing for scent,
you're testing for the lather thickness,
and also how smooth of a shave it gives you.
I have it down, I'm not making this up,
I'm not this creative.
I have it down to a cycle of 67 soaps, okay?
So this is a cycle.
So 67, when I use up one soap,
that is a slot that I will have to try new ones.
And I will try new ones in that slot
until I get one that I like,
and then that slot is filled.
So right now I have 67 that I use,
and I have 86 candidates in the queue.
Do you label them?
Do you remember like which one is which?
They all have beautiful labels.
I mean, these are artisans
who are creating these amazing things.
So I would encourage everyone to try this hobby
who's a guy, it's so much fun.
I will give a shout out to the companies
that are the best.
So the best company, in my opinion,
is a company called, they just changed the name
because you know what they're originally called?
I'm not joking.
Grooming department.
And now it's like-
It's not a bad name.
Yeah, but it has certain connotations
in contemporary discourse.
So now he changed-
Contemporary discourse, yes.
He changed his name to Ion Skincare, A-I-O-N.
That's the sense of the most sophisticated,
the most diverse, and the soap is just really high quality.
Another amazing company is Barrister and Mann.
And if I'm going to tell you to try one, it's called Cheshire.
He comes out with new ones every month or so.
A lot of it's Miss, a lot of it's Hit,
just great, great quality stuff.
Another great company is Chiseled Face.
They make something called Midnight Stag,
which basically smells like a garage.
It's one of my favorite soaps of all time.
Yeah, what makes for a good smell for Michael Maus?
I have 67 answers.
So some of them smell-
So you can't put into a convenience store.
Some are citrusy, some are industrial, some-
So garage is more industrial.
It smells like a garage, yeah.
Midnight Stag, it smells like a garage.
Some are fun because there's smells
that smell like other things.
For example, there's a scent in my queue
called Finding Scotty, it smells like Swedish Fish.
Another great company is Phoenix Shaving.
And they have one called Aloha Smackdown,
smells like Hawaiian Punch.
They had one called Yule Ham that they made for me special,
smells like a ham.
They had a ramen one, Rockin' Ramen,
smells like a cup of noodles.
So they're great.
And every year they do an advent calendar
where for 12 days you have a little sample of a soap
and a sample of the aftershave.
Nice.
So those are, I'm forgetting someone
and I'm feeling angry that I'm doing it,
but those are some of the-
Oh, and Katie's Bubbles is great.
They're vegan out of New Jersey.
They've got one called a Knee-High to a Grape,
smells like grape soda.
I think those are the biggest names off the top of my head.
Will that list converge down to a small set eventually
or no?
67 down to-
Well, no, it's down to, it's 67, so-
Oh, so it's always keeps-
Right, so there's a slot, then you know what I mean?
Like I'll fill that, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, so you will forever have the variety of 67?
Yes.
Ha.
You know what?
You know how sad my brain is?
When you were telling me this,
I was like, I wonder how many soaps
are left in Michael Malice's life.
Like you can count your life by days, by months, by years,
or by soaps.
That is depressing.
That is very dark.
Because each experience of shaving
is a little beautiful experience.
Yes, it is.
How many do you have left in your life, right?
That's true.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you there's something else.
There's a term called, my friend Jackie taught me,
called touching pan.
It's a makeup term.
So basically when you use it and you can see the bottom,
that's like a big moment.
Oh, it's a great thing.
Yeah, it's like, what's kind of fun?
I'm telling you, like people can scoff.
It is such a fun, and there's a lot of us online
who are into this whole space.
It's really, really fun.
When did you first discover this?
Can I curse?
Yeah.
Fuck you, Cole Stryker.
Cause I was staying at my friend Cole's house in LA.
Fuck you, Cole.
Fuck you, Cole.
Cole is like one of the biggest hipsters I know.
He's got the shirts with the pearl snaps and everything.
And I'm staying at his house cause I was doing Rogan.
And he goes, oh, have you heard of this wet shaving thing?
And he goes, look, this one's Pareso.
That's like the Italian grandpa soap,
which is also a great one.
And I went down this rabbit hole and I'm like,
I don't even know how much money I spent on this.
And it's all cause of him.
Oh, but it's like a happy fuck you.
Like fuck you, Cole.
I love you, Cole.
Fuck you.
Thank you.
Yes.
That's a good idea for a tattoo.
Fuck you, Cole.
Do you have advice on how to be happy?
Yes.
There's a lot of loneliness and sadness in the world.
Here I can give a very easy piece of advice
that worked a lot for me.
Instead of telling yourself
that you have these ridiculous standards,
tell yourself, I can be better.
I don't have to be a great writer.
I could be a better writer.
I don't have to be a great podcaster.
That will never happen.
I could be a better podcaster.
I could be a better person.
I could be a better at the gym.
I could be better with my time.
And when you regard things,
and especially if you have metrics that you can go by,
for example, I'll run this many miles a day,
things you have control over.
Especially as males, when you have this chart
and the data's telling you you're improving,
right away, it's like you have this sense of accomplishment.
So I think that is a really great way to find,
and if something is not working in your life,
let's suppose you don't have friends, right?
There's the internet.
How do people make friends?
Try things out.
What's the worst that's gonna happen?
You're gonna, does it blow up in your face?
Well, you'll learn something at least.
Don't be afraid of making mistakes.
When I was a kid, I was so scared
of having things under control,
so I would never have to get hit in the face, metaphorically.
And then I realized, and you've realized this as well,
everyone who's important gets hit in the face.
Look at the president, whoever the president is.
It becomes a matter of being strong enough
that you could take getting hit in the face.
So that is a big, important switch in your thinking.
Yeah, there's a Bukowski quarter row down.
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning
and you think, I'm not gonna make it,
but you laugh inside remembering
all the times you felt that way.
Yeah, yeah.
There's a part of me that's like that,
there's some days where I feel like
this is the worst day of my life,
and then like shortly after, I think,
like chuckle at that.
Yes.
Just knowing the ups and downs of the brain
and the mind and life and all that.
You ever been depressed?
Yeah, of course.
I'm more anxious than depressed.
I don't really get depressed.
Yeah, but I've been depressed.
Like low points.
Yeah, but I distinguish depression
between low points, right?
Like if things are going bad and you feel bad,
that makes sense, but when I think of depression,
I think of someone who feels bad when things aren't bad.
Like to me, it's like almost by definition irrational.
Well, yeah, and there's different kinds of,
I like, there's a exhausted kind of depression
where you're not, it's not so much sad
because you're not, don't want to do anything.
You don't want to live.
You don't want to.
What's the, yeah.
What's the point?
What's the point?
It's a wrap, yeah.
And like an extreme self-critical negativity,
which I'm also scared of
because my brain is generally very self-critical.
Because you're not taking up magnesium.
Do you take it rectally or in the mouth?
You take it rectally.
Okay.
But as for the magnesium, you should take it as a pill.
Oh, okay.
Well, the way your mom explained it then is way different.
Uh, what are you most afraid of?
Holy crap.
That's, I'm trying to think of anything I'm afraid of.
You know, in 1984.
I thought like even just.
Like if I wanted to torture you, hypothetically.
Well, you're doing well.
Mission accomplished.
You know what I mean?
In terms of, I'm scared of increasing authoritarianism,
but that's not personal.
And that's not, that's something that I don't think is
as much of an imminent concern as like,
let's say in Canada.
Are you scared of death?
No.
Do you think Camus was scared of death?
No.
He just accepted it as?
Look, I honestly feel like if I died tomorrow,
I did pretty good with what I had.
Like I think I did things that matter to me.
I think I moved the needle on things that matter to me.
I think I've been a good friend to the people I care about.
I've saved a couple of lives.
So I can, I think it's a very low bar
for someone to be able to grow their grave and say,
you know, I left the world a better place than I found it.
I don't think it's that hard.
Have you ever been betrayed?
Oh God, yes, of course.
Haven't you?
Not as often as I would have predicted.
Yeah, the Russian upbringing,
like it's like expects everyone to be like,
just it's a time bomb before the betray.
You have been betrayed, of course, yeah.
Yeah.
You value loyalty?
I do.
And I also made it a point to not let that betrayal
color my future interactions
and regard that as the universal or the norm.
Yeah.
I think that's very important.
Me too.
And also I feel bad, I've gotten lax enough
that I feel bad for the person who betrayed me
because it's just like, they didn't need to do this.
And at some point, if you betray someone, you know,
and you know you're not a good person.
I believe that.
Yeah.
Like even if you tell yourself there's something I had to do,
you still know you had to do a bad thing
to someone who didn't deserve it.
And that's a really hard pill to swallow.
In my situation, I still think good thoughts
and empathize with the people that have done me wrong.
I don't empathize with them, but I sympathize with them.
My English is not good enough to know the difference.
Empathizing means you're putting yourself in their shoes.
Sympathizing means you feel bad for them
and wish them well.
Yeah, I wish them well.
Yeah, but I don't put myself,
it's very hard for me to empathize with someone
who betrays someone that they care about.
Because that is something,
it's not that just I think I'm such a great person,
it's that I feel guilt very strongly.
So if I did that to someone who trusted me,
I would really, it would fuck up my head for a long time.
Yeah, but maybe they were in pain.
Maybe they were desperate, maybe their back was to the wall.
They felt that way.
Sure, well, that's a sympathy thing,
not really an empathy thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Loyalty is a fascinating thing.
Yes?
I value trust a lot.
I know you do.
Especially because you're in such a public,
both of us, we're very public positions.
You have to be very careful who you surround yourself with.
It sucks.
Does it?
Well, it-
It sucks because it's hard to,
I usually just trust everybody.
Okay, that's crazy.
But what's the alternative?
To be, have a filter?
Well, I have a filter in terms of who I interact with.
Okay.
But within the, I see the good in people,
but then in the very rare instances that might turn.
Okay.
And yeah, it just sucks.
It breaks my heart.
Yeah, I hear you.
I completely agree.
Has your heart ever been broken?
Yes.
Love?
Yes.
I'm just so relaxed right now and happy.
Good.
Relaxed and happy.
Good.
This is making me really happy.
It's so, again, it's beautiful
on like eight different levels.
I think that's the deepest thing I'm thankful for
is just how beautiful people are,
how beautiful the world is.
I really, and people are gonna laugh
and I welcome it, that's fine.
I really sometimes feel like the guy in American Beauty
looking at the plastic bag, dancing in the wind
and he's brought to tears
because of how much beautiful life is.
And a lot of people feel they need to sneer at that scene
and Ricky Pitts, whatever.
And I think he's got it exactly right.
I think he does too.
Well, in the end, you and I will be both laughing.
And right, and also seeing beauty
where others people see garbage.
And I'd rather be the person who sees beauty
than the person who sees garbage.
Yep.
Well, when I look at you, I see beauty
when most people see garbage.
And it's really unfair, Mr. Parrott,
that you keep saying that.
But all jokes aside, man,
I'm really grateful for your friendship
and I'm really grateful for who you are as a person.
Thank you so much for talking today.
Thank you so much for talking to me
throughout all these years.
Thank you for being who you are.
You are welcome.
Thanks for listening to this conversation
with Michael Malice.
To support this podcast,
please check out our sponsors in the description.
And now let me leave you with some words from Andre Guide.
Man cannot discover new oceans
unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
Thank you for listening and hope to see you next time.