You know, who drank his Churchill.
That's my whole, and that's my guy.
Yeah.
You know, that's my guy.
Right.
So he, uh, he did champagne.
You don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill.
He, I found out about his daily routine.
Yeah.
So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee, eggs,
sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans, uh, fruit, orange juice,
soft scotch cigar in bed, and he'd sit there for three hours and then he'd get
in the bathtub and drink champagne.
And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose with more champagne.
And then he'd take a nap and like, I love that.
So every year on hit the day of his death and he's January 24th, I
celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did.
And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all day.
That would be the guy to drink with.
The following is a conversation with Bert Kreischer, a standup comedian,
podcast or actor, and a man they call the machine.
I've been a fan of his comedy and podcasts for many years, and I highly
recommend you watch him on Birdcast, Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura,
his cooking show called Something is Burning, and finally the new movie
that tells the story of the man, the legend, the machine.
This is the Lex Friedman podcast.
To support it, please check out our sponsors in the description.
And now, dear friends, here's Bert Kreischer.
I read somewhere that you like Ernest Hemingway.
Love him.
And there's a quote, there's nothing to writing.
All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
Do you agree with that?
I agree.
I agree.
Well, I agree with that with journaling.
So I can't write, um, I can't write standup.
Like I can't write a bit, but if I journal, I'll find something that I go just write.
Kind of writing where you're, the pen's moving faster than your brain and
they're kind of like doing it together.
The thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway, this is so stupid.
I'm a little dyslexic and so I'm not a good reader.
And so he wrote very simply and it wasn't until after I read a bunch of
Ernest Hemingway, I was working the parts of the noble and this person said,
don't you love his titles?
And I was like, yeah, sun also rises.
And they're like, yeah, but no, the sun also rises.
And I was like, yeah, sun also rises.
And they're like, no, no, the sun also rises.
And I went, Oh, Oh yeah.
That is fucking bad-ass.
Yeah.
And then I, I'm like always late to the party with anything.
And then that night we were all doing Coke and, uh, it was like five in the
morning and we ended up on the roof of my apartment in Greenwich village.
And that's like, I'm a sunset guy.
I grew up in Florida, but sunrises in New York are electric blue, like
electric blue.
And I was like, the sun also rises.
Yeah.
He was so good with just a handful of words, the simplicity, the choice of words,
like, uh, basically his process is carving down, right?
Drunk edit sober, right?
Drunk at it sober.
Yeah.
But he was good at like, at like a small amount of words to, to get a point across.
I'm the exact fucking opposite.
Well, he's also said, uh, the first draft of anything's always shit.
Is that, uh, is that true for you?
I think so.
The best one I have.
It goes downhill from there.
So for you, editing is destroying the original.
The first time I tell it, the first time I tell it, it's perfect.
It's perfect.
It just, it works.
And then I go great.
And then I take it and I try to fix it and make it better and jazzier.
I just joke and razzle dazzle about my daughters and I driving past a deaf child
sign and, uh, I just told it on stage.
It just happened.
And Louie was in the audience.
He was, I love that joke.
I said, really?
He was.
Yeah.
And I just told it and I went done.
Louis CK says he likes a joke.
It's fucking it's in the special.
And I tried to fucking razzle dazzle that joke into like a 15 minute bit.
It got to the point where it was so obnoxious.
It was so bad that I, I, I told him, I did a podcast with him.
I said, what did you like about that joke?
Cause I can't get it to work anymore because it was just simple.
It was simple that your daughter didn't know how they figure out where deaf kids
lived and what that said.
He was like, yeah, I was like nothing about gun control.
And he was like, huh?
I was like, oh fuck man.
I really fucked that joke up.
And then I had to, I had to go back to the beginning of it.
But that first time that's when, that's when the joke comes out purest for me.
And then it's always chasing back to get that, get that first telling.
Some jokes are different.
Like the machine, obviously there's a much longer story and like, and like a
escape room for this one, the longer stories take a little work, but the, the
simple ones, like, like the deaf child and pajamas and those first times are
perfect.
What do you think is, is it about the machine story that works that was so
captivating for people?
I think it's a, I think, I don't know.
I really wish I don't know.
I think it's a good story.
I think it's a good story.
I think everyone has something similar that happened in their life where they
had a crazy night and that no one believed and they told their friends and
their friend and, and, or they experienced that with a friend like that.
And, and, and I think, I think that's gotta be it.
I really don't know.
I think there's a part of, I think there's a part of the, like our community
of CA of comedy fans that were that early desk squad that was fun to watch someone
take something from the podcast and turn it into a bit on stage.
Yeah.
I think there was a lot of that, but I think people identify with a wild, crazy
night that got out of control that they've probably had to, I think I don't
fucking know.
You think Putin knows who you are because of that story?
I hope so.
I fucking hope so.
I hope so, but there's, there's a part of me that, that you got to understand is
like, I'm not, I say stuff like that.
I'm sure there's someone who hears that.
And they go, who is this fucking narcissist?
You're like, no, that's not it.
I'm just telling you the truth.
Like I understand what I'm supposed to say.
Well, you know, I don't know.
I, you know, I, I don't know.
That's hard to say, but I don't fucking give a shit about that guy.
I'm not that guy.
I'm telling you everything that comes out of my mouth.
The second it comes out, I'm going to be 100% honest.
I don't know any other way to live.
I kind of hope so.
That would be fucking cool.
And I look, I know he's a bad, I guess he's a bad dude.
I don't follow politics done, but it'd be cool if like one day someone's like a
he's, he's on his computer and somebody goes, and he's like, and he's like, and
he's like, and it shows it to him.
And, and then he's like, I'm fucking this guy, huh?
It's not out of the realm of possibility that, uh, Putin has watched it.
I mean, this, this podcast, this has kind of made me realize how
like small the world is.
I've gotten to meet some incredibly, like, especially the people you've met.
Like that's, I mean, that's the thing where I go, it's gotten really crazy.
The internet's really insane.
And Netflix is really insane.
And the reach of like people that like, this is really simple, but like I'm a big
fan of the show drink champs.
I didn't think in a million years, nor would ever know who I was.
And then he offered me to come to his podcast.
And then when I got there, he told me he was a fan of mine and I went like, I
remember moving to New York, listening to you and Capone.
Like I'm sitting there going, wow.
Like, and, and then, and the phone calls I've gotten since the movie came out.
And, uh, since razzle dazzle came out, have been really insane.
When you realize as much as I know about people and I like, there's people I'm
fans of that don't know who I am or that like, that are like, they're like some,
uh, pitcher in fucking Florida that I follow the kids.
I like, I think I just fund to watch him pitch.
There was a softball player in a Tempe that she's do catching drills.
And I was really into softball with my daughter and we watched her catching
girls.
There's a girl D glazer who me and my daughters will watch her dance videos.
And then I hit her up.
She's like, you know who I am.
And you're like, oh yeah, that's the way the world works.
Uh, what world leader would you drink with?
If you could see much in Putin.
So Putin doesn't drink much Zelensky drinks more, but also not much.
It would have been a fucking good one.
I mean, like I, I go, Hitler was a pussy.
Like he, he drank wine with a, with a cut, with a spoonful of sugar in it.
You never drank was Churchill.
That's my hole.
And that's my guy.
Yeah.
You know, that's my guy, right?
No, I don't know.
That's okay.
So he, uh, he did champagne.
You don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill.
He, I found out about his daily routine.
Yeah.
So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee, eggs, over eggs,
sunny side up toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans, uh, fruit, orange juice,
soft scotch cigar in bed, and he'd sit there for three hours and he'd hold
morning breakfast and that's, they'd come in and he'd run through his day.
And then he'd get in the bathtub for fucking an hour and drink champagne.
And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose or whatever the fuck they
ate back then with more champagne.
And then, and then, and then, and then he'd take a nap and like, I love that.
So every year on hit the day of his death, I think it's January 24th.
I celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did.
And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all fucking day.
That would be the guy to drink with.
That would be the guy.
If you could pick anyone to drink with, he drank every day throughout the day
and lived like 94 and was one of the most heroic figures in human history.
Never, never surrender.
I mean, what a fucking bad-ass thing.
You know, he taught, he taught the queen, the queen was like a, like a,
like a window licking idiot, right?
Like she was, she had a third grade education.
So like her dad dies and she's like 10 or 12 or whatever.
The first thing they do is they pull her out of school.
They're like, you're done learning.
You're just going to be the queen.
You got to know this is what you need to learn.
Don't make, let people make eye contact with you.
Put your hand out like this.
Don't let people touch you.
So she like, she had like a really, I saw the, by the way, I didn't do this research.
I just watched the crown.
Okay.
And Winston Churchill kind of taught her about world politics and was like, they
like coming and she'd be like, Winston, what did we do in Africa?
And he's like, this is going to be a tough one.
And so, yeah, so, but Winston Churchill's the bad-ass, but if I had to drink with
someone living like drink and there's like, there's a too obvious one, like
obviously it's fucking Kim Jong-un, right?
You kind of want to, he drinks, you think my IVs are good in the morning.
You know, Kim Jong-un's IVs are next.
You're like, I feel up.
And he's like, it's unfettered.
I mean, he would be a bad-ass to drink with.
I think he drinks hard liquor.
Uh, I think it's Scott, Johnny Walker blue.
I, so I've heard, I don't know where you heard this, but I like this.
Okay.
So I say things like that, but then I'm sure I, I, I, I, I don't know if you've
ever partied with someone who just parties a little different than you.
And then you notice like, like sometimes celebrity, like athletes and then like
you're at a strip club and then they, they, they talk weird to a woman.
You're like, oh, that's not me.
I'm so sorry.
So that'd be the thing.
The atrocities would be hard to get past with them,
not just the atrocity, but the way of being.
I agree with you.
I actually don't like drinking with rich and powerful people.
Often there's something weird about them.
Yeah.
Not, not all of them.
And I don't like, I don't like a drinking meeting.
Like when someone goes, like, like people go like, Hey, uh, I'm taking
you out tonight.
We're drinking.
Yeah.
And then I go, oh, that's not the way I like to do it.
It gives me anxiety.
Like, um, our lives are very different.
You and I, yeah.
We're going to fraternity.
We could start there yet.
No, it was not.
Okay.
And the differences continue from there.
I'm sure.
So when you get your pledge of pen, they'd take you out and their whole
thing is, you're going to do it.
We're getting you fucked up.
That energy is not my energy.
I don't like that.
Like it's, I just go, why don't we just get drunk and feel
really good about ourselves?
Like, I never like took mushrooms to see Jesus.
I just wanted to enjoy rain X on a windshield.
Like, so like that, that for me, uh, is like one of my things.
So if Kim Jong-un flew me to North Korea to drink with him, I'd be like,
I'd have to start really getting blackout drunk on the plane to
enjoy drinking with him that day.
What's your favorite, like different occasions.
What's your favorite drink?
What's your favorite way of drinking?
I've got as varies.
So what are the different contexts here?
It's like one-on-one one-on-one like you sit down with, I don't know.
Rogan invites you.
Like it's a Godfather to sit down and finally have a talk about something.
It's going to be whiskey.
It's going to be like a nice whiskey meat.
No, I like it on the rocks.
I like lots of rocks.
It won't be something expensive.
Cause Rogan is not, he's not a fancy boy.
You know, like he's a real regular, he's a really regular dude.
He's gotten less regular, the more millions of dollars.
I think there's parts of him where you're like, like, where you're like,
Oh wow, we can do this.
Yeah.
Um, but he's a Ray he'd be like Jack on the rocks or like Buffalo trace or one
of the, maybe a little whiskey he's buying Rogan beach, uh, whiskey rocks.
And then like, that's a good, I haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves.
I take that back.
I was with him the other night, but like, I would be cool.
My times with Jones are always on podcasts and his, I missed the times
where it was, we just have you and him at a, at the store late night.
Yeah, I'm okay with podcasts.
Like I used to think this is like a performative or something like this,
but it's not really, it's just the chance to really sit down.
I enjoy it because of the people I could never sit down with.
Ah, like David Cross.
I wouldn't never sit down with David Cross cause we don't run in the same
circles and, but it's nice.
He has something to promote and then he comes to my house and then we can sit
down for an hour and talk and then I, and then, or Kevin Smith, like people I
would never really hang out with Tom.
Um, I enjoy being alone with Tom more off mic.
Yeah, we have a lot of history.
There's a lot of things, secrets we know about each other and there's a lot of
secrets going on in our, each other's lives that I would never share on podcasts
that I, that I can talk to him about.
And I really appreciate his, and I know this isn't on brand of us beating each
other up, but like, I really appreciate his insight as a,
as a dad and as a dude and as a son, but,
but he makes me giggle harder than anyone. So doing a podcast is fun.
So there's something on a podcast that's performative for you with him and then
there's a part in him.
Cause we're trying to make each other laugh, but I'll tell you,
if we're going back to drinks, I'll tell you like a great,
a great afternoon drink is a compartee spritz.
That's my one of my favorite drinks in the world.
I don't even know what that is. Compartee spritz.
Compartee is an interesting alcohol because I think it's a bitter, uh,
or it's a liqueur and it's got a weird, rooty, earthy taste. It's red.
So it looks like Kool-Aid. That's why I got into it.
I thought compartee on ice would be oh so nice. It was an old commercial,
but man, it's fucking like sucking the green giant's dick. It is earthy.
What's earthy. It's like, it's, it tastes like roots. It's it's not, it's not,
it's, oh, there's a bitterness and like a, it's just not great.
And then someone introduced me to a Negroni,
which is Campari and gin and a little soda water.
And then compartee spritz.
Compartee spritz is Campari Prosecco and soda water
and like a wine glass. And it is so enjoyable.
It's got so many different profiles to it where you get the bitterness,
but the sweetness of the Prosecco and then it flattens it out with the soda
water and it looks like Kool-Aid. So I love it.
That's one of my favorite drinks to share. And what context? Oh, uh,
you're in Italy and you've been walking around Venice and everyone went their
own ways and the whole family comes back together and you meet her at a statue
and, and your wife's sweating and she's uncomfortable and your daughters are
16 and 18 and they're like, Oh, what are we going to,
what are we doing with the rest of the day? And you go, Hey guys, it's Europe.
Does anyone want a Campari spritz? And everyone goes,
I don't know what that is. And you go for Campari spritz.
Now it's minor in alcohol, so it's not going to light them up,
but it gives them a little bit of a buzz where they're like, dad,
these are nice island didn't drink hers. So I drank hers. I, Georgia had hers.
Leanne had hers and we ordered another round. I ordered an, and they're
fucking refreshing and the buzz is perfect.
It's not too much cause it's just a little bit of champagne and some Campari if
the buzz is perfect and then a couple of them and then they kind of disappear
and then you're just walking around again. That's a great fucking drink.
You have a drink alone.
So there's a two kinds of alone. One is alone, like at a bar,
there's other people, but they're strangers, right?
You're kind of like out there keep going,
don't walk me through all the alone. And then I'll tell you the rest.
There's all kinds of,
there's a alone on a train we're transporting a train plane.
And then there's just alone in a,
in an empty home or a hotel room hotel and it's Sunday night,
and you're packing your bag and you've got a flight at 6.00 AM. Yeah.
But roadhouse is on and you're like, shit.
So you get out of the front desk and go, is the bar still open? And they go,
yeah. Can I order some to take to my room? Sure. How about six Heineken's?
Six Heineken's? Yeah. My wife wanted one too. She's not up there.
You murdered her. And you just say to yourself, I'm just getting six.
So that if I have four, I just know I have two extra ones.
And then you go through six and you're like, Oh man, I'm not done yet. Dude.
I've drank in every alone scenario you can possibly think of. I've drank,
uh,
I've drank alone in a helicopter with a dude who didn't know I was drinking.
Uh, he was like, I was like, can I drink in here? And he was like, absolutely not.
And then I poured it into a flask and opened it and drank it. And he's like,
dude, we're in a fucking helicopter. You don't think I can spell that?
The best alone drinking you can ever do, in my opinion,
now we're getting into the weeds on it, is alone behind someone's back.
What do you mean?
Like when they don't know you're drinking, but you're drinking like, uh,
like Christmas shopping.
And your wife says, all right, let's all split up. And you go, cool.
And it's like,
it's like 11 o'clock on a Sunday and they just opened that bar by the elevator
in the Beverly center. And you just sneak over and you go, Hey man,
can I get a double Jack on the Roth socks for us? And they're like, sure.
And you just have it and you just go, let's just, and then you're off.
And then you're like, yeah. And then you just a little sneak one, sneak it,
sneak it. And then you're buzzed and nobody knows. And then your wife's like,
wait, have you been drinking? You're like, yeah,
I'm drinking by myself in a fucking mall on Christmas.
How sad do you think I am? And then you go, yeah, I am. Uh, what about mood?
Do you ever drink in a dark place? So I broke,
I had a chick break up or a chick cheat on me. Uh, when I was,
when I came back from Russia and she slept with my best friend and I didn't
know how to deal with the emotions I had. And my buddy,
my cosmo and said, I can tell you this, if you drink, they go away.
And I went, okay.
And that was the first and kind of last time I ever did that
because I did it. I've done it. I've done it a couple of times,
but I try to avoid,
I try to avoid if there's emotion going to alcohol,
like meaning I'd not want to anxiety, but like depression.
I kind of sit in the depression cause or anxiety. I lean towards alcohol,
like anxiety, like about flying or,
or just like getting worked up on over something.
But with depression, I try to avoid alcohol and just sit in it. Um,
cause I, I, because I've gone there before, but anxiety is up. I land,
I land all the time, but depression, heartbreak, all that.
You just sit in the feeling. Yeah. Heartbreak is a weird one for me.
So like the last time I got my heart broken at Leanne dumped me, um,
we were dating for like four months and she broke up with me and my instinct
was to have a drink. My friends went to this, uh,
this middle Eastern restaurant and I told him what was going on in my buddy
cores, like let's get a cocktail. And I was like, I don't want one.
I got to figure this out cause I want this chick. And if I start drinking,
I'll be like, ah, fuck it. So I got to figure it out. Like I wonder,
I'm going to find out my dad dies one day or my mom,
but my dad will be the rough one. My mom will be equally as rough.
My dad and I were really close and I wonder if I've thought about
this a lot. If I'll have a drink dealing with that.
Like I think about that a lot.
I keep saying everything I get with my dad is extra. My dad,
my dad had a a hundred percent blockage in his widow maker twice and both times
they saved his life and he got a stint, I think 12 or 13 years ago.
And then he just got a stint this last year.
But so I, everything I get to do, I feel like is extra. And so, you know,
he was just at the premiere of my movie and he got to see that and he had a very
emotional response and I got to, I got that from him and I was like, that,
that's a little icing on the cake. I did, you know,
the arena in Tampa was the first time he ever saw me do standup.
That was like a little extra.
So all these things I'm getting with them are all extra. So I have, you know,
at least 74. So yeah,
that'll be a tough one.
Well at the premiere he was what, proud?
Yeah. He came out, he was sobbing, crying and he goes,
I've underestimated you your whole life. And I was like, what? And he was like,
and he just, and he was shaking. He goes, I just underestimated you.
I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know you were this. I didn't do whatever.
It was, it was really hard to understand him to be honest with you.
I don't know totally what he said. He might've just not liked the movie.
I think you, uh, we're hearing what you wanted to hear.
Uh, what'd you learn about life from your father?
Uh, it's not going to make sense.
I want to feel like sometimes I'm like a professional fucking wrestler.
Cause all I care about is you come and see me do stand up.
So I'd whatever I got to do to get you there. But the number one thing,
my one takeaway from that man's humility and I applied,
I've applied it in different ways throughout my career. On my 26th birthday,
he gave me a really, uh, aggressive speech.
He, I was hung over and I just thought he was going to say, happy birthday.
So I picked up the phone and I was like, Hey, and he was like,
you are a tremendous piece of shit. And then he broke me off.
You have no humility. You have no this, you have no never succeeded in anything.
You, you're, you're lying to yourself. You're lying to everyone around you.
You're not doing what you're going after your dream. I broke you.
I failed you as a father, this and that. I was like,
I thought you're going to wish me happy birthday. And so
in that speech, he told me if I wanted something,
I had to go at it and I had to go after it as hard as I could.
And I had to do whatever it could, I could do to achieve that. In this case,
it was working, offering to do anything at the comedy club to get on stage.
He told me, I told him, man, that's not how it works. And he said, no,
that's how it works for some poor kid from Harlem because that kid needs it.
He goes, you've grown up with privilege, your whole life. You don't need it.
You think you're going to be fine.
And so I went and I ended up getting a job at the door, but I,
it was, it was, it was, it's humbling. It's, it's really like, uh, it's,
it's makes me feel it made me feel uncomfortable. And so that humility,
uh, is, it's the first time I really understood humility.
And I've applied that in many respects in like,
in like getting to be a paid regular at the comedy store that happened late in
life for me,
which I think most people would give up and be like, Oh, fuck that.
I'm already a touring comic. I'm on TV. I don't need that,
but it's something I wanted and I knew I wanted.
So I just humbly went after it. And then I think I,
I still apply it when it,
when it comes to selling tickets or selling a project
to the fans or even to doing podcasts,
I try to be as honest as I can about whatever I'm going through or whatever I'm
dealing with. But when it comes to like selling things, I don't have,
I don't have a problem trying to make fun of myself or,
or get in front of people so that they know that,
that I have a show cause I, the thing I'm good at though,
the one thing I know I'm good at standup. And, and I say that humbly,
but like, I want them to come there. So like I've heard people make fun of me.
Like before they're like, yeah, I'm not some,
I'm not some clown in a Speedo. Who's one is going to, I'm a real comic.
And I go, okay, but I'm, I want to,
I want them to have my shows and you can be that guy and I'll be this guy.
Yeah. The clown in the Speedo.
Yeah. It's like, what are you going to do?
Funny people make fun of me for taking my shirt off. Like I guess behind my back,
no one ever does it to me. Like no one would ever comics aren't,
comics aren't comics. Aren't that manly.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I always go like, I always go like, who, what do you care? What am I,
what do you care?
And you love taking shirt off more than anything. You know,
when something becomes meme and becomes super popular, it, um,
it becomes easy to not love the thing anymore, to get tired of it.
You still love it more than anything. I like being shirtless
more than having a shirt. I'm very uncomfortable in a shirt. Yeah.
Like right now. And I've tactile issues. Like I've legit tactile issues.
I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans with a loose fitting belt.
And then these shirts exactly. But I don't, I like more like a V-neck. I feel,
I can feel this on my neck right now and I can feel it on my arms. And so I'm,
I'll sit a certain way. Cause it, it just rubs me wrong.
But yeah, I'm more comfortable shirtless. I can never wear what you're wearing.
Uh, yeah. Well, this is my shirtless.
Each of us have to find our place in this world in terms of fashion.
I would love to be able to wear what you wear. Yeah. Cause it looks good.
It feels like an escape from convention.
You or me? Both of us. Yeah. Cause this, nobody wears this,
unless you work security for somebody. Yeah. But it looks good on you. Does it?
I don't know. You know, I think people think,
I don't know. Like they would say like, what, what if you lose weight?
You can't take your shirt off anymore. Go, no, I'm going to fucking take my shirt off.
If I can out of your mind, I'm gonna take my shirt off all the time. Uh,
you mentioned, uh,
early on heartbreak after the Russia trip with a girl who slept with your
friend. Uh, let's go back to Hemingway quotes.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
So to go all in with the trust. I love Hemingway so much.
Um, have you been betrayed in your life? Yeah.
What do you think about trust?
That's an interesting question. Um,
I've been betrayed in my professional life a couple of times by really close
friends. And, uh,
uh, I'm not someone who can like,
I have a mantra that, I mean, I'm,
I don't know if people have heard it or not and I'm, I hate, I hate sharing it,
but it's, but it's true. The mantra is, so you think I'm weak,
like, do you think it's like, that's my thing.
So I feel like people take advantage of me and I go, so you think I'm weak,
you forget everyone that like, and I'm named the people that have betrayed me.
I'm a larger man than all of them. And, and, but I,
and so that's what really fucks with me as I go. So you think I'm weak,
like where I grew up, when you do stuff, there was physical consequences.
I grew up in Florida. Like I've, I've been beaten up a bunch.
I'm not saying I can fight, but like, I'm not scared of getting beaten up.
And the, the times that I've been betrayed and, and,
and even I know, even like by Ari,
whichever people see that drugging as a betrayal and I did for a period,
but it was, it was only because it was Ari.
And he was my one of my best friends and me and him had to work through that.
Cause I, I, I couldn't not love him. Like I couldn't not have him in my life.
He met, he means a lot to me. He really does. He's a great friend to have,
but he's also, I don't know what was going on with them at that time,
but he made a bad decision.
And I had to forgive him for that because I knew he, he knew my mantra.
I think I'm harder to trust people now. I'm not as apt to trust people at all.
But there was a moment,
I don't know if I've ever shared this and I don't know how this will sound,
but there was a moment that information got leaked about a thing and all my
managers and agents, both,
both Tom and my Tom and our managers and agents would like to
separate, either separate us or one of us, one of them get both of us.
It's just more lucrative for them.
So they have always kind of pitted us against each other a little bit and they
do it subtly. Um,
they'll do it to me and my team. And then his team will do it to me.
And then my team will do it to him and his team will do it to him.
And there was a moment where information got leaked about this thing I was
doing. And my team was like, just so you know,
your, your boy, Tommy is, is the rat.
And I had to,
it was the one time and Leanne said, do you think Tom would do that?
I said, uh, I don't know how faith works.
Like I'm not a super religious person,
but I will tell you that I believe in Tom and I don't think he did it.
And I will stand by that ignorantly. And, and I will,
and I will ride or die with him because I cannot live in a world where I don't
trust him. If I don't trust him, then I am so fucked.
And, uh, and it wasn't him. It wasn't him.
And it was such a cool feeling to know that you could like,
that you could blindly trust someone blindly have faith in someone know that
they have your best interest at heart. But yeah, it took me a while to get there.
Rogan helped me get there cause I wasn't trusting him or Joey or Tommy or
anyone. I wasn't trusting anyone.
I'd gotten in a bad thing and I just wasn't trusting anybody.
And Rogan was like, yo man, we're trying to be your fucking friend.
And I was like, yeah, I don't, I don't need friends.
I couldn't understand what, why Rogan was interested in me.
And I said to like someone I was like, is he gay? Like what the fuck?
And then he was just a nice guy. He was just a nice guy.
That'd be hilarious. If Joe is sexually attracted to you this whole time,
this whole time is the reason he keeps inviting you back.
I would be more excited. I would be more excited.
If just if he tried to kiss me on the lips once just in just like in a Scotty
Scotty J way from boogie nights where he's like, what do you like my car?
Yeah. You know, nobody would believe that story. No one. Yeah. If I was Joe,
I would kiss dudes all the time. And then, and then when they didn't kiss back,
Oh, you know, no one will never, but no one will ever believe you. Yeah.
Well, when you trust people like that and they fuck you over,
that can really, really, really hurt.
You end up on a treadmill in a hotel room fighting with them.
You fight with them all the time. You fight with them all the time.
You fight with them constantly. And it's, and I, and I,
I have this thing where I got ruminate on an idea and I can't get it out of my
head and I hear the words they say and I, and I, and.
So all in your head on a treadmill in your head, just fighting,
just fucking fighting. And then, yeah.
And then one day you get past it. Like one day you just go, Hey, fuck them.
I'm not going to give them real estate. And then you just forget about them.
And then they reach out and they'll,
they'll try to be a Dick or a bully because they're bullies.
They're bullies is what they are. Don't ever forget it.
They're fucking bullies and they got bullied. It's not their fault.
They got bullied and then they try to bully you and you're,
and you don't have any connection anymore. And you're like, Oh,
you can go fuck yourself. You can actually go fuck yourself.
You're not my boss. You're not my wife. You don't fuck me. Don't pay me.
Get the fuck out of my life.
But this kind of mantra of the, you're not weak.
You still want to be able to be fragile to the world and appear weak almost.
I am. I am. I mean, that's the problem is I think I am pretty fucking weak.
Like I'm not the strongest dude out there. I have really thin skin.
I get my feelings hurt all the time. And so, but like,
but it sucks when you watch like your friend see
something in you that you go, I go, Oh, fuck him. He's not paying attention.
Fuck him. Let's just fuck him. Let's take his money. You know what? Fuck him.
He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Look at me. He's a drunk alcoholic.
And you go, Oh no, bitch. I pay attention. Like I'm, I'm, I'm wide awake.
I'm here. I'm working my ass off. You're not going to fuck in.
Well, that's the tough thing about like you and Tom Segura,
you're at the top of your game on top of the world,
some of the most famous comics in the world.
And you could see money start to creep in like a
business decisions. Yeah. I don't know. It's a tough, it's a tough place.
It's really tough. It's really tough for, you know, especially as we're growing.
And, and, uh,
I'll tell you what it, I don't know how much I'm allowed to say,
but I can tell you this. We had a business deal
where feelings were getting involved and money was involved in that.
And the money was causing the feelings.
And one of us said to the other person,
our feelings are more important than the money. So let's just split the money.
And it was, and it was, and it was, and, and it was,
it was really like a solid moment where I were,
both of us were like, that is how we should run this. Yeah.
That's the interesting things that like with bands,
you'll have like popular bands that split even,
even though it's clear that the contribution is not even, it's like, uh,
there's a front man and all that kind of stuff,
but it's ultimately the right thing to do to say, fuck you to the money
for the most part and prioritize the feelings. Yeah.
Especially because like, I couldn't do it without him.
He couldn't do it without me. We do it separately.
We'll have guests bears on some will blow up. Some won't,
you can never figure it out, but when we're together, it does well.
And so we need each other for it to work. And we've, you know, like I said,
we're on a handshake deal with two bears and no one likes that,
but we're like, Hey, I mean, we, I don't like to the point where like,
he'll call me and go, yo, we have a deal to do this for X amount. Are you in?
And I go, yeah, I don't check the books. I don't need to, I don't, I don't,
I know him. I just know him. Yeah.
What do you love most about Tom?
We saw a gay couple one time.
This is a good start.
And there was one guy was in khakis and one guy was in jean shorts with a Python
around his neck. And Tom goes, if we were gay, which one would you be? I said,
I'm fucking Python. And he was like, yeah, I'm khaki. And I go, really?
And he goes, yeah, that's why we work. And he goes,
all relationships are for pythons and khakis. And I went, really?
And he goes, look at you in the end. Who do you think you are? I go, Python.
And he goes, she's khaki. And he goes, me and push. I go, Oh, she's Python.
He goes, and I'm khaki. He was always be khaki.
And sometimes I'll have a relationship around the Python,
but I'm usually a khaki. And I was like, yeah,
I am a little bit of a lunatic. I'll tell you the, one of the,
a moment that explains me and him that the world will never
see. It was just a great moment. We got STEM cells with Rogan one weekend.
And one day and I'd had surgery in my arm and I didn't want to do it.
I was terrified. And Tom just said, just come out and meet up with us.
Tom knew he was going to make me get them. And so I got them
and he, you know, Joe's there. And so we're just all talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. And I'm, and Tom can see that I'm spinning out a little bit and I get in
the car and, you know, Tom's got a Porsche. So we're like right next to each other.
And I just want to feel if it's swollen and it is a little swollen.
Cause I just got an injection and then in Tom's driving and he's got his hand
on the thing. He just puts his hand on my arm and he goes, you're okay. He just,
he's watching.
He knows me so well that he knows that I'm spinning out of control and he's like,
you're okay. And then I was like, and I felt okay. I was like, you're right.
I'm okay. What the fuck am I doing? My brain's that brain,
man, that guy got so much loving him, dude. He does. He has, uh,
you know, he had a fantastic relationship with his dad.
And, and, and I think whatever that did,
that dude did to create that dude,
he hit it out of the fucking park because he has so much,
uh, love that he doesn't need reciprocated, like at all, like he can just love.
And then he feels good for him to give and to like take care of someone.
And like, you know, he started the whole birthday gift thing cause,
and he didn't need to, he just was like, Hey man, I had this bike,
I thought you'd like it. And then of course I've turned it into a fucking bit.
And now we're upside down.
I'm 120 upside down on a fucking race car that we can't make our money back on.
Uh, love it. Uh, what do you love most about Joe Rogan?
Oh, that dude, I could go on and on about Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan is the most selfless individual I've ever met.
He doesn't care if he has you on the podcast,
he wants you to be the funniest person in the room.
He wants you to be the smartest person in the room. Let me tell you something.
Joe Rogan is 10 times smarter and funnier than me. He wants you to shine.
He wants you, he wants to put you over to his fans.
He that shit did not exist before he started doing his podcast.
People didn't share you with their fans. No one was like, Hey man,
come on on the road with me.
They brought you on the road cause they wanted you to suck and they put you in
bad scenarios. Joe Rogan wanted you to shine. He gave,
he gave so many people beautiful career, gave them careers,
gave them Joe could have looked at his podcast as his thing.
This is my thing. I bring on these guys.
I'm going to be the funniest guy in the fucking room.
I know some guys that have done that.
It might be me might be time I talk over people and not listen really well.
Joe had did the opposite. Now I look,
I've tried to learn from Joe on my podcast and do the same. That guy,
when you think about it, you name 10 of his friends.
I bet eight of them are doing arenas right now. They're all doing theaters.
All his friends do theaters. All his friends do theaters. He is,
he is just, you know, I, I, he,
and he won't accept this compliment. I tried paying it to him, uh, in,
in Austin when I was in Austin last night,
he's not going to accepting compliments. I gave him a gift too. And I said, Hey,
I need it. I need to show you.
I can't just tell you this cause it's going to fall in deaf ears.
I need to give you a minute. So you have something.
So you know that I think about you and I'm grateful for having you in my life.
A lot for many reasons. I have more friends in my life because of you.
He taught me how to trust people. Again, I have a career because of you.
I have a major motion picture because of you.
I do arenas because of you without you in my life.
A lot of these things maybe never would have happened.
I never would have told the machine on stage. I wouldn't have gotten,
I would have never started a podcast. I wouldn't have three podcasts. Like,
I mean, all these things are things he not just,
he didn't just take me to the water one time and give me a drink. He,
he gave me a machete and he said, this is how I get to the water.
You got to put your own path, but just give me your heads up.
You can also use my path whenever you want. I mean, he,
he is the most selfless individual.
He will go down in history as one of the 10 most important people in standup
comedy. Without a doubt, he changed the game.
It didn't exist like this before him and uh, and he won't accept that compliment.
What was the gift you gave him?
I can't tell you.
Is it a dildo?
It was a dildo. It was a double-sided dildo. I go, Hey, when you get free time,
can we scissor fuck each other?
Uh, you're happily married for 19 years.
So I think you're a good man to ask how do you find love? How do you find,
how do you date in order to find a love of your life of a lifetime?
This is going to sound off,
but don't, don't tie yourself down.
Meaning like, don't spend time fucking with those little mini shrimp and peeling
them every night when you know, you're looking for a lobster. Yeah. Like,
and so I think what happens with a lot of guys, they just,
they're so busy and like just getting pussy and going from here to here to
here. I was never that guy. I always wanted,
I always wanted to find someone who understood me. I always wanted that.
I always wanted that. And so, you know, granted,
I haven't had sex with a lot of chicks, but that's, and it's,
and it's not by choice. I'm,
I'm saying like maybe there was times I would have done it, but I,
but I know that I was always looking for someone to figure out to get me and
then, and then I will say this when you know, you know, when you know,
you know, when you think there's,
I can't imagine a life without this person that, that, that happened to me.
And I can only say my experiences. I had Leanne, I loved her. I, and I,
and I didn't even realize it. And the second she dumped me, I went, Oh no, no,
no, no, no. Oh, I, I don't get to live a great life without her.
She's the thing that's going to give me a great life. I knew it undisputed.
I went for a run and she dumped me. I went to my shower. I cried.
I went to Barnes and Noble. I bought men from Venus, women from Mars.
I've watched fight club in my closet. I didn't drink.
I drank a lot of Nyquil to sleep.
And then I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon.
I was running back down the outpost by Benaflex house and,
and the sun was setting and I just said, Hey God, if you're listening,
just give me this check back. I'll never fuck it up. This is the one,
I won't fuck it up. I won't cheat. I'm not going to be a bad dude.
I want to have kids with her. I'll be there. I'll be a great fucking dude.
I'll take her out on dates. Like I'll love this chick. And I got home.
And she was in my room in a sundress and I was like, Oh, fuck you.
I didn't know he was real. I was like, shit, man, give me like one more night.
Let me get some strange tail real quick before I commit forever.
But I think when you know, you know, this is so silly,
but I follow that in business. Like when you know, you know,
and like my assistants with us and someone goes, how did you,
how do you find a good assistant? I go, when you know, you know,
like people will show you who they are. Uh,
I can tell you when I fell in love with my assistant,
we were doing a TV show and, and,
and that we worked past dinner and all the dinner places were closed.
And he just said, Hey, I got like four meals.
I didn't know which one you'd want. So I got four different meals for you.
I ordered them.
They're up in your room and just let me know whichever you want.
I'll take care of the rest of them. And I was like, Oh, that,
that dude thinks about other people before himself.
He didn't even get himself dinner. He just got me for dinners.
And I was like, fuck, I did the same thing with my,
my social media manager. The way she was operating was, I was like,
I feel like she's thinking about me and we connected on so many levels,
on so many levels.
I could talk to her about things and ideas I had. And then I was like, okay,
I want her. I want him. I want, I think you,
I think it's gotta be that thing when you know, you know,
and it can be so simple as like,
like a personal trainer or like a jujitsu class or like just where you go,
Oh, I'm connecting right now.
But you have to allow yourself to notice that person.
I think you do. I mean,
I think you have to put yourself out there and you have to be available for it.
You know, that's the hardest part is just being available for it.
Cause so people, so many people just want to be busy just dating.
I just want to have someone in my life. I don't want to be bored. I don't want to,
what if I die alone? I don't want to, I like just be available for it.
What is it? You said peeling the baby shrimp when you could be having a lobster.
Lobster is still a lot of work. I have to say.
Yeah, but well, yeah, but it's lobster.
So this is a baby shrimp or like you ever get,
so you ever get the ones in Brazil where you just go eat the shell.
I don't care anymore. Like I'm so hungry.
You just handful of lobster like it's popcorn or baby shrimp like it's popcorn.
I've done that in Vietnam. I've done that. I just go, it's too much work.
So when you're in it, what's the secret to successful marriage? What,
what do women want?
Oh fuck. That's I'm the wrong guy to answer that. I think.
How to make love to a woman by Burke.
How do you make love to a woman? I'll tell you how I do it.
I go down on her first.
Make sure she has an orgasm. Yeah.
And then I get my turn and that's over pretty quick. It's like a,
it's like get your ears pierced. It'll feel a little prick and it's over.
I, um,
I don't know if I've done a great job
keeping her happy. I think I keep her interested. Like I think I, I, I,
I keep her occupied. Like I'm like a little bit of a rodeo clown.
Like I don't know. I mean like, I know we're happy right now.
I know we're really happy,
but I don't know if I ever did as good a job as she
did. Like she's always been like,
she's always been a gangster, like done, did everything, just does everything.
She does it all. She does everything like fucking everything. And she loves it.
She just does it. And then she shows love for you by taking care of you.
And so like,
I have a lot of time just been this like almost like step and repeat husband
where it's like, I come in to take a picture like, Hey, Monday, Tuesday.
All right. I'm on the road Wednesday. Take care guys. Or like travel channel.
I'd leave for two weeks at a time. I left for the movie for three months.
So like, I don't know that I've ever done a bang up
job. I buy it. Like I go, I remember one time I was just like,
I don't cheat on her. I don't hit her. I don't yell at her.
I'm a pretty good fighter. I'm a really good fighter. Like,
like I'm good at like going like, Hey, we're on the same team.
Oh, you mean deescalation.
I'm really good at like, I'm very self I'm very accountable.
I'm very self-correcting. Like if,
if we're in a fight and she points something out and I go, Oh, you're right.
I go, fuck. You're right about that. You're right. You're totally right.
Oh, in the moment, in the moment, I'm really good at that.
And my wife's not, she's not a good apologizer.
Like she needs to sleep on an apology and then she can do it.
I can apologize in the moment if I realize I'm wrong and I'm really quick to
find my fault. Yeah. I look for my fault. Cause I go, tell me what I did.
Adversely as a parent,
I have pulled my daughters aside and been like, yo,
that wasn't you. That was mom. Yeah. I'm giving you a heads up.
Cause I don't want, cause I got really confused as a kid cause my dad always
made sure I knew I was wrong. And sometimes I wasn't. Yeah.
And then as a kid, you're kind of fucked up and you're like, well,
how do I know if I'm wrong? And I think that raises,
so I was really good with my girls going like, yo, and then,
and then parenting Georgia taught me a lot about self-correcting self-correcting.
My oldest, I'd only,
I parented like my dad parented, like just like raise your voice,
get up to here. That's it. No, that does it. Fuck this.
How come the dogs don't have goddamn leashes, collars on their necks.
And so with Georgia, I had to learn through therapy
that if the, if the,
if the consequences here and the highest it goes is here,
then why the fuck wouldn't they lie and do everything? Cause they go, well,
I know what it's like to hear, but if you can vary your consequence,
with a child and find some conversation in it,
then all of a sudden they're like, well, fuck, well, I don't want to lie.
Cause this does, this does suck. I like this. I like where we talk.
And he says, right. A thousand words on why driving around your kids in a car,
kids in a car is bad.
So threatened extreme violence every once in a while, just to let them know the
dog can fucking bite. Yeah. The dog can bark, the dog can bite,
but if you pet him on his belly, a waggon's tail.
Yeah. Uh, do you worry about being a way too much?
I mean, you're one of the most creative content pushers and
creators out there. You're just constantly innovating,
constantly putting stuff out there,
but do you worry that pulls you away from like, uh,
the mundane experience of life that can bring contentment and happiness? Yeah.
I feel like sometimes it cannibalizes your real life where you start going,
you start thinking in promo videos or you start looking at a vacation as a bit,
like we should go zip lining. Why don't you do,
uh, what shoes you wear? And I like it can,
it can definitely cannibalize your life.
My wife's really good at going like, no, like no phones.
The girls are really good. The girls, when I started Instagramming stuff,
they started saying stuff like dad hits mom and I'm like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa guys.
They're like, no, put your phone away. Yeah. Dad, dad and less boys.
And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah. Uh, what's,
um, what are some secrets?
Where's the wisdom you can say for how to be successful online and all the
everything you've learned. You're kind of like the, the Mr. Beast of comedy,
just innovating constantly in terms of how to promote stuff,
in terms of how to present stuff across the different social media and across
YouTube podcast, all that stuff.
I think the number one thing is don't be afraid to suck.
No one sees the shit. This sucks. Doesn't get views.
It just gets forgotten. Yeah. It gets forgotten the good stuff they remember.
And then that's all they bring up. The stuff that sucks just goes away.
And they're like, Oh yeah. Did you do that? I don't even think I saw that.
Fuck it. Who cares? Yeah. You know, it's like, it's like I watched,
I one of my favorite stories about this is a guy named, uh,
Sean Patton.
I was explaining Instagram stories to him and Ari and Mark Norman.
And I was explaining that you can set now sell tickets on Instagram stories.
It was back when they swiped up instead of tapping the button, swipe up.
And they didn't understand it. And I said, let me show you.
And I put up tickets for sale and I said, you know, Hey guys,
swipe up. And then I just showed him in 10 minutes. Look,
there's so many people swiped up. It's 145 people.
It's a lot of people to buy tickets for a fucking comedy club.
And they were like, Whoa. And they're like, well,
what do you do stories about? Go fucking anything. Who gives a shit?
Just anything. And some things work, some things don't.
And I watched Sean Patton shout out to Sean Patton,
try for about 15 minutes to do an Instagram story about, uh,
his cup of tea. He was making a cup of tea and he was making, and he kept going,
Hey, okay, hold on. Hold on to me. I was filming him from the couch.
I was filming all these, the whole thing. Yeah.
I filmed every single one of my like 15 different stories of him trying to do
that. I had 145,000 views on each story. He never posted it.
He never posted it. And I was like, I was like, man,
if he had just posted that one, he never posted anything in his stories.
That one 145,000 people would have gone to his story to see that cup of tea
being made and see which one he finally went with.
And so sometimes I think the biggest mistake you can make is just not doing it.
Just do it. Just post it. Turn the camera on. The idea will show up.
That's the number one thing. Just turn the camera on and it'll come up.
You'll figure it out. Do you do multiple takes or no? Maybe I do three.
Like, and I'm talking even like in the dance video I did where I did the hip hop
dance, I did two takes on that. Um,
with when I had the marching band come to my house, I did two takes on that.
Um, once you start doing more takes, you lose the fun of it, I think. And,
uh, and then the fun ones, I mean, my favorite one I've ever done,
without a doubt, my favorite promo I've ever done is,
uh, I needed, they added a second show in some city and, uh,
and they added a second show like Friday and Saturday and our third show.
And I said, I, they just told me, I was like, fuck, I'm leaving like tomorrow.
I need to tell tickets. So I said, real quick, girls, meet me outside.
And Lee is like, girls are doing homework. I go to take five seconds.
I put on a speedo. I got the American flag. I gave Isla the hose.
I gave land the leaf blower and I give Georgia the drone.
And I just had Georgia drone it back to reveal the leaf blower.
And the mist you were seeing was coming from Isla and Leanne.
I'm going to speed up with American flag. I have Bob Seger plan rambling,
rambling, man. Yeah. And, and that night, Larry,
the cable guy texted me and he goes, this is fucking genius. And I was like,
it was just, and it was just like, yo, just, let's just shoot something.
Who gives a fuck like, just shoot something. Just, just,
just say something and, and, and, and put a little,
just do a little movement into it. And, and those are my back in that was,
I used to be, I watched a bunch of my promo clips back from back in the day.
I used to be really good. Now it's like, I'm promoting so fucking many things.
I'm just like, I'm almost like I'm exhausted in my promotions.
Yeah. Because you know, the, the well can dry up in terms of ideas.
Yeah. And it's like, how many times am I going to show a picture of my ass?
My ass sells really good. That's whatever my ass is on Instagram.
Fucking million views guaranteed a million views, your ass and, and, and,
and inner, and it's, and it's an active post. Like people are like,
I did the best one I did the other day was where I superimposed my ass on my
front and it just looked beautiful. Yeah. No views.
Oh, so you got reported. Oh, I see. It looked like a front vagina. Oh,
is that what it was? Yeah, I think so. But like, but yeah, my ass,
like I'm, I'm at a place right now where I am promoting,
I'll be promoting this movie.
I'll be promoting this movie until it goes to a streamer.
I'll be promoting it. Uh, shamelessly. I I'm proud of it.
I had a great time shooting it. It's in theaters. It'll be on video on demand.
It'll be on a streamer. I'm sure. I don't know, but I'm sure.
I'm promoting fully loaded my summer festival with 19 different comics.
I'm promoting the tops off world tour that starts again this fall.
I'm promoting my cruise, the fully loaded cruise. I'm promoting red rocks.
I'm promoting so many things that today was the very first time in my
career where I said in January, I'm going to take a break.
I'm going to take a break and go like, Hey man,
let's get your resting heart rate down. Let's, let's get some sleep.
Let's let's maybe take off like three months from drinking.
Like let's just really like slow it down and also not think
when you're thinking in promo all the time, it, it can be a little exhaust.
I mean, you think you think it's exhausting to look at my feet.
It's exhausting to be my feet. I'm my feet.
And sometimes less is more, but one of the things that
nope, one of the things that inspires me about Rogan,
for example, is, um,
he almost never does this kind of stuff in the house,
suddenly does his podcast. Cause you're right. Less is more.
How what does he do it like once a month? No,
he does it three times a fucking week. More is more is perfect.
But for example, when he does like a story or something like this,
he does one take it's kind of shitty.
It's the same day. It's the same. It's elk with a bunch of jalapenos,
a knife that he had sent to him by a fucking knife maker and him going,
look at this, look at this, a trigger smoker. I reverse seared this.
This is what's great. Look at this. I'm about to put it in the butter.
Like this is grass fed butter. This elk really raises my testosterone.
Rogan is it's you're right with guys like Rogan.
When he does do a story, they're a little precious. Yeah. And as,
I don't think he's, he's ever done a second take on any of those stories.
No, you have to really admire that. Like, uh,
if the shot is framed poorly, if the audio sucks, doesn't matter.
Do you remember when he, this is like, like I can get in the weeds on Rogan,
but, and especially when it's Instagram,
do you remember when he got his polar plunge and he couldn't sit in a minute and
then the next day, and then he must've gotten it on the internet bad. Yeah.
He must've gotten it bad. Yeah.
The next day he sat in for 20 minutes and he lowered his core temperature by
like two degrees and it took him like a month to get that back.
That is that man. What an interesting, you know,
I told you at the beginning we were just talking. I like, I really enjoy,
I draw inspiration for men. I'm not like, um,
you David Goggins, cam Haines, um,
Andrew Huberman or Huberman. I love, uh, uh,
fucking, I mean, there's so many guys like that. Rogan, you know,
Tim Kennedy,
like there are a lot of guys that are like just very different men than me.
And I love Jocko Willnick. Like I love,
I love reading their stuff or listening to their audio books or listening to
their podcast because I'm so not like that. But that too,
for me when I add a little bit of that in my life, like I remember you went,
I don't know what you were doing, but you were walking us through your day.
And it was so fascinating.
It was like, it was like, I ran eight miles today.
I listened to an audio book while I was running eight miles.
And then I came and I worked for about three hours straight on AI stuff.
And I'm like, and I was like, wait, you sat at a desk?
Like you like sat at a desk and like, and I, I actually,
I wouldn't even know what to do. I would start doing crafts. Like I would like,
that you went, I was like, is your computer like, yeah.
Have you sat for like four hours focused on a
single task? Me? No. Oh,
I'm sleeping for four hours. Yeah. I don't have that.
I don't have a brain that like,
I really admired it when I listened to you do it.
Cause then you were like, you were talking, you were fasting at the time,
you're doing your fast. And then you talk about what you ate and I w I was jealous.
I wanted to be able to be like that.
And I think at that time we started,
I think you're doing maybe bone broth or something.
And we started doing bone broth pretty religiously and adding that into a fast.
Cause I was like, it does for someone like me,
it does feel cool to add a little bit of control into life.
So integrating a little bit of a way of being from another person that you're
not like.
Yeah. Like, like, uh, like, so,
so David Goggins is consistently pushing himself. I love,
I did it. I did it over the pandemic more, but I loved going today.
I'm running a marathon. I'm going to get on the treadmill and it's not,
it's not going to be all at once, but I'm gonna get through a marathon today.
So let's get up,
give us six months from coffee and let's see if we can do like five miles and
then know that we started there. And that was really fun.
It's like, um, cam Haines does that too, where he goes like,
he almost just sets the limit and then, and then achieves that his son true.
It is really fascinating because it's untrue.
It's right now is trying to get the,
and like I bet people would never think that this is why I watch,
but I get real inspiration from those people because I showed Jocko,
I should have clipped to Jocko to Isla. Cause I was like me, like,
like a person of her fluids impulse.
I w I walked in on her one time.
She was in the pantry in a bathrobe in the dark
drinking a root beer. Yeah. And I opened the door and she went, I said, what?
She goes, I thought you were mom shut the door.
And I shut the door to let her finish the root beer.
She has a hard time waking up. So I look, come in here.
I want you to see this clip from Jocko. She goes, who's Jocko.
I say he's a Navy seal. She goes, he works at the zoo. I went, no,
maybe fucking seal. I go, it's a bad-ass job. She goes, it's a silly name.
And I went, no, it's not. It isn't a silly name.
These guys are the toughest dudes in the world.
She goes, she's kind of right though about the silly name.
I never even realized that. Oh yeah. You talk to a child. Yeah. And so I go,
watch this, what he says about waking up. So it hits the thing and Jocko goes,
first thing you do when you hear that alarm clock, you could roll over,
you could go back to bed, you could hit snooze,
but you get out of bed and that's your first victory.
And Isla hits pause and she goes,
how great is that nap right after you hit snooze though? It is pretty funny.
I go, hang on. You're missing the point.
This whole speech he's with Casey Neistat when he's telling this speech,
he's with Casey Neistat. And uh, so I hit it and then he goes,
and then you've got a victory under your belt.
Then you go to the gym and you work out and I go, you listen to this Isla?
And she goes, yeah. And he goes, and then when you go to the work,
now you've got two victories, you've worked out and you've woken up on time.
You didn't hit that snooze button.
So when you go into that break room and you see donuts and she hits pause,
she goes, um, if he's about to say no to donuts, I'm done listening.
I go, he's definitely gonna say no to donuts.
Do you think he's gonna have a donut? And she goes, you like this guy? I go,
I fucking love him. And she goes, do you think he'd like you? And I go,
what do you mean? She goes, dad, you hit snooze,
you skip working out and you love donuts. And I'm like, yeah,
you're making a good fucking point. I go, I, but I,
but I do love that.
Like I love to watch that brain work and go like,
like I don't, I don't hit snooze. Like I don't hit snooze now. I go,
fuck it. Cause I'm up. But I, and then,
and then I go to the gym every single morning.
I go to the gym every single morning and today's national donut day.
I didn't have a donut. And so like, I, I like, I try,
I like try to apply these a little bit. Cause I mean the other side of me is
like tonight, after we do this,
I'll do another podcast and then I'm going to call the end and go, yo,
we're in Beverly Hills. Meet me out here. Let's go have drinks.
Let's go have a fucking couple Campari spritz.
I was over at a friend's house and overnight,
let's get some edibles and let's fucking have a night about it and get some
sushi, go have sex in the hot tub.
And I got to work out at fucking 10 in the morning.
I got to tell you that nap when you press snooze is the sweetest.
That's my, that's my victory.
First victory is pressing snooze and getting the nap onto the belt.
Have you ever had, I had, so this, this morning I didn't work.
I didn't work out. I'd press it like five in the morning until about six.
You're going hard right now.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And then I had flew to Austin. It's like, what, huh?
Yeah. What? Just run around theaters and now you're back.
Yeah. Running around theaters to do, to promote the movie.
And then look, you only get one shot at these movies,
so you might as well do it. And look,
it's really hard to get people to go into movie theater right now.
And so I woke up at like six did five or six to seven
did press.
And then I went and I said, and I'm really into a podcast,
a history podcast right now.
And I was listening to this one about the Conquistadors and I was,
and I was like before when I woke up, I was like,
I wouldn't mind going back to that. And I said, I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna take a little nap and go there. I slept good last night.
I slept like seven hours last night. Boy, that 30 minute nap,
it felt like five hours. And I woke up going,
I got to readjust my sleep score. That has to be in the 97.
That's the best fucking nap. Those little snooze naps are monsters.
You know, there's, I don't care. That's probably for me,
one of the peak experiences of life is those naps.
I don't know what that is. Have you ever slept in a tour bus,
a tour bus versus a regular bus, like a tour bus, like meaning like in a bunk.
No, I've taken a lot of buses in my life though.
Like mean like just like a, like a grail. Those are very different.
And, uh, well, listen, Dave,
that's just part of, part of life in a greyhound.
I was on a greyhound one time, right?
When notorious B I G's album came out in college and I was going from Tallahassee
down to Tampa. And the dude got on the tour bus,
got on the bus next to me, black dude. And he sat down, he said,
where you headed? And I said, Tampa, he said, you grew up in Tampa. I said, yeah.
I said, you and he goes, yeah. I said, you go to school fam.
And because of fam you enforce say the two schools, one's black, one's white.
And he goes, no, I just got out of prison. I said, you got a prison?
And he goes, yeah, yeah man. I got out of prison. I stabbed the dude. And uh,
and uh, and I've been in prison. I just got out today. He goes,
what are you listening to? I said, notorious B I G and he goes, oh shit,
that's out. And I went, yeah. And he goes, I want to hear it. Can I hear it?
And I was like, yeah. And he used my headsets, the whole bus ride to Tampa.
I didn't have the Bob's like, he stabbed a man. They're yours now.
I just sat next to him and I was like, are you enjoying it? He's like,
this is good. No tour bus naps. Yeah.
When you're in a bunk, it's ice cold bus. Isn't moving five o'clock.
Like we work out from like up until like five o'clock, five 30 show starts at
seven, but that five o'clock to six, six 30 nap,
it's pitch black. It's like a coffin.
And it is ice cold and you got all your pillows and blankets in there and you
put a little history podcast on in the corner and you just listen to like
Kurtman Bosch here or like, Oh my God.
So you're talking about like five, six PM for seven PM show.
Oh, it's the best nap you'll ever have. You wake up so refreshed. Yeah.
Like I've woken up from naps, like where I'm like, fuck yeah. Like there,
those, those tour bus naps are the best naps.
I think having a full productive day and then like
five, six PM you do a nap and then you do something really stressful after that,
like really high profile, like, like a show. But if I do like,
I really like doing podcasts like late at night after a nap.
I think I've fucked up my podcast rhythm because we're doing them in the day.
And so sometimes I'm just like, I like, if I work out in the morning,
I'm good on a podcast, but if I don't work out, I suck on a podcast.
I'm just like, huh? Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.
No, I, I, I'm,
my favorite is I used to do this a lot. I haven't done it in a while is
a full busy day, nap at home,
box of wine on the treadmill and do that until like midnight watching TV,
box of wine, box of wine on a treadmill. It's the best.
How are you sipping it Jake? You have a glass, but you have a box.
The box fits on the corner on the treadmill.
So you just got a little spigot and you sit there and just put on like guys,
grocery games or like just something. It's like a, you walk in or you run it.
I walk, I walk in like a three, five.
So what will happen is if you started a three, started three casual walk,
20 minutes to get a mile in and then you, and you're going to feel loose,
get up to a three, five, you can do seven miles on these things and just,
and just, and you're just enjoying your night.
And especially like my wife back in the day when we lived in our old house,
my wife would come into the man cave and she sat on the couch and we watched TV
together and like watch game of thrones and you just like for an hour and you
just get on the treadmill and do it. Oh man. I,
I loved having done that as much lately. That was the fucking,
so you can lose yourself. You can forget yourself.
You forget you're on a treadmill and you just are like walking and you're
sweating and you're, and you're having wine. And then at certain points,
you're like, like, uh, you, like you, you start jogging,
especially like we were watching, uh, not all quiet on the rest in front.
What's the one where they've got to,
they've got to get the message to the front line.
I would run like I was in world war II.
I would run when they would run and it was fucking awesome. And I would be like,
cause they were doing drinks. I'd be like, take a drink.
You got to run up there and be like, okay. Yeah, I'm really into,
I'm really into history podcasts right now. Like I've been in them for awhile.
20th century or everything, everything, everything. I listened to, um,
uh, was it Marcus Aurelius and Cleopatra today?
Uh, middle of the podcast, they're like, you know, just, you know,
Cleopatra wasn't as hot as everyone says. I was like, why are you saying that?
You gotta tell me she's a six. She looked like Snooki. Like, why let me,
let me dream that she looked like Kim Kardashian.
And then I listened to that one today.
I listened to world war II a lot, a lot of books on world war II,
a lot of podcasts about it.
What's your favorite theater, the Pacific or European?
Uh, no European Pacific. Well, because my family's,
so much of it has died in that theater. So, so much of it,
I hate to sound cliche, like a Marlon Schwartz thing in an eighties movie,
but it's personal.
Well, you know what I find funny about that is Lennon. It was Lennon,
right? Uh, John Lennon. No, no, no. Was it Lennon was where we're to, right?
Or was it Stalin? Stalin, Stalin, Stalin thought him and Hitler would be friends.
I think that's so cute that he was like, we're going to be buddies.
Like we're boys. And then Hitler was like, Oh, fuck you. I'm Hitler, bro.
This is what I do. Well, at first he was like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We'll be friends. Sure. Sure. And then call me, call me better yet.
I'll show up in winter. How's that sound that, uh,
that, uh, I find that I find all of that so fascinating when I was a kid,
I had a hard time understanding how,
cause we were always at war with Russia when I was a kid and I had a hard time
understanding how we could be on the same team as Russia in world war II.
And I was like, wait, how did that turn South? And then you listen to podcasts.
Yeah. I'm that, all of that, all of that,
like all of the world war II, I got really into the,
the Pacific shit for awhile, but I'm really deep in the, in,
in the whole, we, we,
we went to Normandy from the Cliffs of Dover and to think,
so that's the fucking beach. That's the fucking beach. Oh shit.
This is cold as fuck. These dudes jumped in ice cold water. Yeah.
And this isn't like a cool beach. Like this is, and it's just so insane.
To, and then to see like the, the, it's pretty intense.
I don't know why I got into history late in life. I wasn't,
I was kind of into it, but I'm really into it now.
And I love just learning a little something about, you know, today was,
I listened to like the noise or has a great history stuff.
It's like history for dummies. I think like I get to,
I can't listen to the really smart stuff. It starts losing me too many names.
I'm gone.
Yeah. Well, Dan Carlin is always the best.
Your podcast with Dan Carlin was so fucking good. He is,
he is, I mean, I only know about Martin Luther because of Dan Carlin.
I only know, like I would have,
I made a joke about some Lutheran the other day and everyone laughed.
And I was like, did you guys listen to the same podcast I did?
Because I just am quoting Dan Carlin. I, that his podcast,
I mean, we all quoted the same shit about, uh, Genghis Khan,
about how he could shoot a dove off a horseback,
but we knew that all four hoofs had to be off the ground at the same
time they shot.
They would sometimes take their meat and stick it under their saddles.
And that, I mean, Dan Carlin is, he is the motherfucker.
Yeah. God, those were, man,
discovering podcast was the coolest time of my life.
And the interesting thing about him is, is audio.
And so it's the voice. So for me, I mean,
everybody has a story with a prostitute in a motel.
Dan Carlin was my prostitute in the moat. I invited him to a motel.
I don't even remember in the middle of nowhere,
he shows up with that voice and the rest, the rest is history.
Things that we'll never know what happened. Oh boy. Did he like, no,
I'm just kidding. I'm, I'm, I'm really running with it. Yes, we did.
We got along with it. I mean, he's an incredibly kind and thoughtful person,
constantly self critical thinking he's not good enough.
He just works on those episodes for forever,
and he just thinks that there's these, uh, just like with Goggins,
there's these other historians that I think like weigh on
him. Like they're going to judge him or something like this in his mind.
I talked about, I talked to them, but Daniel,
and I guess his thing is he, I get, I guess his,
his hangup is Carlin's is he's not a, he's not like this.
Like he doesn't feel like he's a real historian, but he is. Yeah.
I mean, he's just the way he shares the story. Look,
we had a history teacher in seventh grade.
Who's a con artist and he came and taught her seventh grade and it was told con
artist. All he taught us about was barnstorming,
barnstorming and the JFK assassination.
I walked away having such an appreciation for barnstorming,
a very small blip on Americana,
but I know a lot about barnstorming because of this guy and he,
because he was passionate about barnstorming.
It was a fun to say seventh grade history class I'll ever take in my entire
life. Uh, you mentioned tour bus. Uh,
what's the best road trip you've been on. Have you,
have you driven across the country? Just you know,
we had one road trip in college.
Where a bar had burned down and we found out that the alcohol was
still in the bar.
So we took my Jetta over to the bar and we emptied out the bar of all
the burnt up liquor. We didn't know what anything was.
We threw it into the trunk with no clothes, like no, no clothes. And we said,
let's just start driving.
And we drove from Tallahassee and ended up in West Virginia and just,
just drove, just drove. It was like five dudes. We drank one person,
drove. I wasn't a big drain. This sounds crazy.
I wasn't a big drinker in college until I went to Russia.
And so I drove the majority of the way and then we would get somewhere and,
and we'd get a hotel room and it was one of the most Epic fucking
weekends of just debauchery and chaos.
And I think we took mushrooms and we, we, we, we, uh,
went down a river in tubes.
So it's mostly about the bond between the five people versus like throwing
yourself into meeting like strangers and this kind of stuff.
Yeah. And it was when, it was when I was like,
I was trying to be a poet at that time. And so like we were actual poetry.
It's really bad part of my life.
Well, you were like, is it like music is there too somewhere? Yeah.
I tried to be in a band too. That didn't work out the way I wanted it to.
I just was never, I always was, I was never the,
I'm not a good serious person. Like I'm a good, funny person.
I'm a good to be the fool, but I'm not good when I try to be serious.
It looks foolish. And so even like, you know,
someone said showed me throwing out the first pitch the other day as something.
And all I could see is my gut flying everywhere. And I was like,
that's why it went viral. I was like, fuck, I thought it was my throwing style.
That was a pretty Epic one.
The best road trips I ever took was during the pandemic during the pandemic.
When we were, when we would, we were doing that drive and movie theater tour.
I created a drive in movie theater tour when no one was working and the very
first one, we all, no one had left our houses. We all went to my house.
We got my tour bus. We had just wrapped the day, the tour bus showed up.
We just wrapped the cabin, just wrapped doing the cabin on Netflix.
And we got COVID tested.
We got in the tour bus and we said, let's create our bubble and stay safe.
And that night we drove, I think just outside, uh,
Gallup and we stayed in a,
and no one had been outside and we stayed at a, at a, at a KOA camp on arrival.
And we watched thunderstorms come in on a lake and we were all smoking cigars
and drinking IPAs. And, and it was fucking Matt.
And that whole road trip we road tripped across the country to start the tours.
And then we just, and we were outside for the first time when we were,
and it was that period of my life. I'm so grateful.
I didn't make a ton of money because we had a big crew and I've made sure I was
trying to make sure everyone, cause no one had paid bills in a while,
but that fucking tour was the funnest. We took up pickleball.
We took up disc golf and everything was wide open in the middle of the country.
You could do things, but we were still in our bubble.
And we lived in that tour bus. And at the night,
we just get back in the tour bus by ourselves and get fucking wasted. And,
and I mean that fucking run, it'll, nothing will ever be like that.
Yeah. Because you like rediscovered the humanity, the camaraderie,
because the pandemic kind of killed that,
but they suffocated us from like their basic connection.
Yeah. And it, and, and there was this,
you always had an anxiety attack halfway through that. You got COVID and this one,
you know, COVID was killing people and you were like, I know I've got COVID.
And then, and then we come in to Sedona.
And this is also why I didn't make a ton of money.
We'd come into Sedona and we'd get a house in Sedona for five days at Airbnb.
And we'd all isolate there before we went home to our families. Yeah.
I remember, I remember the first time we did it, we didn't isolate.
We just pulled back into LA and all our families were freaked out.
So I had to stay live on the tour bus in at a different house and it was
fourth of July.
And I came in and they were doing an egg toss and they're like, well,
you can do an egg toss. Then this is how bad my anxiety gets.
You can do an egg toss with your daughter, Isla.
So I and I did an egg toss and we fucking got it to like legit,
like 40 fucking feet where I was throwing overhand, lobbing them to her.
And the egg cracked in her hands and it broke over her face.
And I got in bed that night, high on weed, fucking drunk. And I went,
what if I gave my daughter COVID from an egg toss? I go,
that would be the most horrific way to kill a child.
And she got it from an egg toss had broken her face. Her dad did COVID. Yeah.
I mean, that's the scariest thing about COVID.
I think is not you dying, but because of you,
somebody else dies. That's the fear.
I think that really like took hold on people. That's why they're,
they were way more cautious than perhaps they needed to be. It's just like,
I don't want to be the guy that's responsible for killing somebody I love or
somebody that somebody else loves.
Leanne gave everyone in our family COVID.
She came up to me and she gave me a hug after Christmas
and gives me a hug. I said, what's the matter? And she goes, I think I have COVID.
I go, bitch, fuck you doing back it up. Fauci like fucking.
And then she, we went, when we went to all and then,
and then she had it and it went away and we're all fine. And we're like, okay,
we can still go to park city. So we all go to park city.
Then Georgia gets COVID and then Georgia starts crying. And she goes,
I think I gave you COVID and I was like, I'm fine. She goes,
you're in high risk. And I'm like, what? She's like, you're a fat alcoholic.
I'm like, whoa, easy. Where the fuck? What about feelings?
And then Georgia got COVID me and I love, we're still in park city.
Leanne had it. My tour bus came up, picked George up,
George and Leanne took him back to LA and I was island.
I were there and I tested and then we get on the plane and
I cough and I was got her mask on and I was just looks at me, you know,
the best, the one thing we miss are the eyes of her masks.
The, and then we get home and I had COVID and I was like,
if you gave me fucking COVID and then she never got COVID, she never got COVID.
You mentioned IPAs.
What's the lay of the land of great beers in, um,
in this expansive world of ours.
I like Pilsners. I'm a Pilsner guy. I'm an ice cold beer guy.
Ice cold Pilsner.
I like an ice cold beer. I like an ice cold.
One of the best beer buzzes I ever had is, uh,
we had bought a new house, but we weren't building it. And I, and over COVID,
I didn't drink for like three months,
four months until we decided to go back out on tour and we figured that out.
And I was in the backyard and Leanne came back with like two tall boy,
German Pilsners and cracked them. She goes, have a beer. And I was like,
fuck yeah. And man,
that second that a beer buzz is different than anything.
The second it, it touches you, you feel the sparkle and you're just like,
yeah, baby, I'm back. And then she's like, you want another one? I'm like,
fuck yeah. And then we have another one. And then, and that beer buzz is,
especially afternoon beer buzz is just so pretty.
It's different than a night beer buzz. Night beer buzz is like, oh,
I guess we'll have a beer and then I'll have a couple.
I gotta go to work tomorrow. All right. But that afternoon,
irresponsible beer buzz Pilsner Pilsner. There's,
I don't mind an IPA, but it's gotta be added. It's gotta,
I gotta be at somewhere. I gotta be at somewhere. Like they gotta have an IP.
Like I like a local IPA and it's gotta be food involved.
And then I'm enjoying an IPA.
I threw up an IPA in a bathtub in a Salt Lake City.
One time it was like, Oh, you throw up in the bathroom. Okay. No, no, no.
I was drinking in the bathtub, like bathtub with some water in it or no, no,
no, no, no. You're sitting in the bathtub. No, I'm getting ready to take a shower.
And I had a growler of IPA. It's about six in the morning.
I have to fly that day to Vegas to jump off the stratosphere.
All I need is a little bit of a buzz to get myself on this fucking plane.
I have anxiety going through my fucking head cause I'm jumping.
I'm gonna be the first person to jump off the stratosphere.
And so I'm drinking an IPA out of a growler in a bathtub at six in the morning
and it just didn't sit right.
And I threw it up and I was off IPAs for like 10 fucking years.
I didn't have another IPA until I was like 46. Cause I was like,
all I could think about was throwing up that IPA in a bathtub,
in a shower and being like, I'm going to throw up thinking about it. But yeah,
I don't, I didn't fuck with IPAs for a while. And then during the pandemic,
I got it. I got back into IPAs.
I was that way with Jack and Coke, Jack Daniels and Coke.
Really got so drunk many,
many years ago that just couldn't look at it.
I can't touch, I can't touch, uh, uh,
what's Janice Joplin's drink? Southern Comfort.
I can't touch Southern Comfort.
Did you just drink it straight? Southern Comfort is at 40%. That's hard.
No, it's almost like a liqueur. Honestly, it's really sweet. Jack, Jack,
double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. I mean, I had a quote that,
I got a video that went viral about I'll never quit drinking. And, uh,
I have not gotten on a plane since that without having a flight attendant,
not even ask what I want. Walk up with a double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.
I mean, it happens. So on times I don't want to drink.
I flew to Austin the other day. I was like,
I'm not drinking on the plane because I felt sick and man,
he walked up and he goes, double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. I was like,
fuck, you know it. But yeah, that's, that's my drink. Uh, uh,
wait, what's your drink? I thought you'd be a vodka guy.
Well, vodka,
I associate with a lot of moments in my life of happiness because vodka is
associated with shots and camaraderie and there's Eastern Europe in
general.
A bunch of guys get together and you celebrate life intensely.
People fight. People just feel,
people experience life in a deep way. Just get too drunk for,
for like, for a reason. But I don't see that as like drinking,
drinking. That's like a, a journey towards a destination.
It's like, uh, to me,
drinking is like whiskey neat or beer, like you said, ice cold beer.
This is that afternoon beer. Like for a person like me,
who's extremely regimented and disciplined,
sometimes you'll get the situation. I just remember, I mean, just,
I remember, uh, there's a bar at MIT where I just remember in the afternoon,
there was like a business meeting and I sat down and we started with a beer and
they're like really crisply cold, uh, some kind of a lager.
And then just one beer and two beers. And all of a sudden you say, fuck it,
bless just the rest of the day. This is what this is. And you said a bright,
like you just light and just nature is beautiful out there.
And you just said, fuck it to all the meetings. Fuck it to everything else.
Just the camaraderie, the just talking about life,
being silly, being, you know, all of that.
See that, see,
you're describing something I'll never get because I'm not regimented.
I would love, I would love,
I would love only for the moment that you get to have,
you get the most precious little angel's breath that anyone's going to get
because you live this life that's dialed in and it's scheduled.
And so when you say, fuck it, it's like,
that's like me doing Coke. Like it's like, Oh, fuck it.
And you can just do that with beer. That is fucking amazing.
I would love to live a regimented life just to get the chance to
go, Hey guys, I'm not performing surgery today. Fuck it.
Hey guys, this, this bus full of kids, kids got to,
it's got to drive itself home. Fuck it. I couldn't even,
I couldn't even tell you, you know, so interesting about me and you as like,
you know, I'm a fan of yours. I couldn't even, I don't really know what AI is.
Like other than like dildos or AI, right? Like
like you've had some electronics in it. No,
I don't think a dildo classifies as a robot.
Cause I thought that's how they were going to take over fucking mankind.
Just well, they start with these,
the fucking womanizer that knows how to eat a pussy. And then they're like,
we don't need men anymore. But like, it's so interesting that I couldn't even,
like, I can barely tell you what my dad does for a living. He's a lawyer.
I could kind of like, he's called me and say, Hey man,
you got to stop talking about what I do. Cause you're not doing it right.
I go, what do you mean? It's like, that's not whatever you're saying I do.
I don't do. And so,
but like I couldn't even begin to explain your job to my daughter.
Well, I think there's the way you do the job,
which is the way you experience life, the regimented,
just even just a nine to five job. Right.
You do work nine to five? No, but I work much more than that,
but there's no, every kind of lifestyle has its complexities.
I think nine to five means you have to wake up at a certain time every day.
Do people tell you to pull it back and then like, Hey, you're working too hard.
Yeah. A lot of people, what I want in my life, what I love in my life,
especially people close to me are the ones that say work harder because
everybody, how do you get them? How do you get them?
I don't have anyone in my life that does that.
Everybody's always worried about me.
Everyone's worried about me. Everyone's always worried about me.
The only thing no one ever says, if I showed you my DMS right now, my,
my texts, all it is is like, Hey man, I'm worried about you. Like Joe,
I love Joe to death. Not once has he, he always,
I don't know if you've seen the caring Joe eyes where like,
I'm worried about you where it's like,
okay, man, don't do that. And he's like, I'm worried about you.
And you're like, don't fucking worry about me. I'm working. It's,
I'm just working. I love working. I love what I do. I love what I do.
I can only imagine that you love what you do as much as I love what I do,
because that's all I ever want to think about.
It's all everyone to talk about. It's all I ever want to be like, I, I, I, I,
when my wife wants me to take, uh, August and whatever the August,
whatever the fuck, no, but like July and August off after we do fully loaded.
And I was like, no, I was like, what do you mean? Like, so like,
well I'll just sit in a chair and stuff. She's like, no, you can do like,
take up a hobby. I go writing jokes. Can I get on stage?
Can I do sets in the city? Cause I'm not going to fucking,
do you want me to like, like, I don't understand what I don't understand.
People who don't,
I don't understand people who don't have the drive to work all the time.
I don't understand that. I envy it. I envy it cause I go,
I would love to just be like, I'm going to play video games.
I can't play a video game. If I did, I'd be on Twitch trying to make money.
Like I love, how do you find someone who goes, you need to work harder. Yeah.
Especially when they see like, I, I don't know what you look like, but I,
I look tormented when I'm working very hard. Like it means
like it's easy to worry for my wellbeing. It's not like I'm happy go lucky,
but I'm happy underneath it.
My working too hard is like on a plane every other day or every
day, getting up at six,
working out and then going into like two in the morning or one in the
morning and then going to sleep and then getting up at six, working out,
getting on a plane, going to another place. Like that's what my working,
it's just a lot of travel in mind. If I didn't drink on planes,
I don't think anyone would probably worry about me at all. They'd be like, no,
you're doing great.
But the working out is there.
So I got to ask you because you and I seem to have a similar relationship with
running. I like this idea of a slow treadmill. I like running slow.
Yeah.
You know, like a 10 minute mile or something like this,
I'll just run forever. Just listen to an audio book, listen to Brown noise.
Think I love it.
What's Brown noise.
It's actually Brownian noise. Um, but short Brown noise,
it's kind of like white noise, but deeper. So it's just noise like
that. Oh, wow. It's kind of,
sounds like a waterfall and I'll just listen to it and something happens to me.
I think there's, you can ask Huberman about this. I don't know,
but apparently there's some science that kind of focuses the mind and so on.
It's funny because I think sometimes when people don't get about running is they
go,
they get on and they put it on like a six right away on like a treadmill and
they go, I can't do this for fucking 30 minutes,
but you can,
if you build yourself up to your six and you play games or I play games with
myself a lot, like I'll play games where I go. Um, I,
and I can do this, I can do this. I can do this almost not all day long,
but I can do this a lot longer.
Like I did it for two hours the other day before my workout or no hour and a
half before my workout where I started a 3.5 walking.
And then I,
and then I get my jog up to like a five and then I'm like 5.5 and then I go
six. And then I go, and once I'm at a six, my body's really loose.
And so then I'll go, all right,
bring it down to a 3.5 and then I go punch it to a 7.5 for a quarter of a mile.
And then let's walk at a four, let's jog at a five. Right. I can do that.
I love they're called a fartlets, I think.
And I love those like where it's like,
it's regimented running and sprinting at certain levels. I love that.
And I love also when I work out to listen to music,
but put on foreign language cooking shows on Netflix, can you explain that?
They just put it on mute. You don't need to hear it.
For some reason they're sexier the way they're shocked, they're sexier.
And it's like street food Asia.
And they're just watching them make street food in Asia.
There's one called broth. It's called broth, the nation of broth.
And they're just making broths and you're like, fuck, I want some broth.
So this is South America. This is Asia.
South America, Asia. Um, they do one on pizzas.
I've watched this one on pizzas that I've watched it.
There's like four episodes.
I've watched every episode so many times that my trainer goes, God,
that's that fucking, I could watch that again. Yeah. Um,
I love watching foreign language cooking shows on mute when I work out while
blasting music.
All right. Well, I usually run outside, but I do.
I don't mind hiking. And I like, I do like, you know what, my fun thing,
the fun thing I would do, and this is, uh,
this is ripped off totally from campaigns is I like to go, uh,
there's a great hike called Freiman canyon out in the Valley where I live.
And I'd be like, all right, I'm going to run a friend from a canyon.
I'm going to jog to from a canyon. I'm going to hike from a canyon.
And then I'm going to jog back.
And they will wonder how long that is. And they go, don't think about it.
Just know that that's your thing. Just know that that's your thing.
And then all of a sudden you're like, shit, that was eight miles. You're like,
that's a fucking beast. The hike doesn't even feel like anything. The hike.
Once you do the jogs, the hard part there,
the jog home is a fucking cakewalk.
I had the best jog when I was in Serbia. I had the best jog.
I think it was in Hyde park. I think the name of the park's Hyde park. It was,
get this. It was 80% downhill. Wow.
So this jog, you started the park and it was like,
I'll do it like this for you. You went like downhill, like this downhill,
like this downhill, like this.
And then it was like a little steep incline to get to the beginning of it.
So it was like a little like nice, like lower back pain. And you're like, okay,
okay. And then the jog was perfect. And you did it four times. It was four miles.
I loved it. My very first day I did it, a butterfly got in front of me.
It's like six in the morning, six in the morning,
the butterfly got in front of me and it ran the whole first mile in front of me.
And I just, it was like so surreal.
It would disappear and then it would show back up in front of me.
You sure it was real? Definitely real. And then the next day, that's where I go.
I'm on the right path. I'm on the right path.
The next day I go for a jog six in the morning and it rained.
And as I'm doing the steep uphill incline, a tree collapsed in front of me,
just went, and I went, Whoa,
a tree fell in the woods and I was here to see it shut the fuck up. I was like,
that's crazy. And it didn't hit me. I go, I'm on the right path.
And then I started getting overthinking it like the next day I saw condom and I
was like, this is a complacent joy. I was like, people fucked here last night.
But yeah, that was one of the best jobs I've ever had. I could do that.
I could run that park every single day and no one jogged that park in Serbia.
I actually recently had a condom on my doorstep and I wanted
to ask whoever's up there above what, what that means,
what the, you know, what the story behind that is.
Yeah. You know, just a pissed off UPS guy.
I just, was it compromised? What do you mean compromised?
Like was there stuff inside it? Oh, I didn't look. I mean,
very few people put on the condom and go, it's not for me.
I'm going to take it off. It's a little tight.
It could be to send a message, like a horse's head kind of thing. Oh yeah.
I don't know. I don't know what the message is. Exactly. Do you use condoms?
If you had a, when I stand, would you use a condom?
I don't know what a condom is. I never heard.
I'm learning. Good call. I've learned about sex from you today.
If my wife dies, there's no condoms in my future. I'll get it. I don't care.
I have babies. I don't give a shit.
You're a man of principle. I like it. Uh,
Marc Maron wrote something about your book many, many, many ages ago,
life of the party. I think there's an interesting question in there.
So first of all, wrote eloquently about you.
Bert Kreischer is one of the great American wild men,
a Gonzo warrior driven not by cynicism or desire to reveal dark truths,
but instead by a deep,
almost essential need to have a good time no matter what.
His stories track the trials and tribulations of a big hearted dude trying to
fit in, help out and party and find himself. After all is said and done,
we arrive with him at the true humility of joy.
So when was this desire for pure joy born in you?
It seems like you are driven towards this
joy.
Yeah, I think
I arrived at it in college. I wasn't always the guy I am.
I was really a serious, pretty serious dude. Like when I got to college,
like dark brooding serious. Yeah. I wanted to be like,
I wanted to be like Eddie Vedder and to be like a poet and a fucking lead
singer and I wanted to be taken seriously and I wanted to be attractive and I
wanted to be, you know,
like I wanted to be wanted by chicks and,
and respected by dudes and you know,
and slowly but surely I think the bird,
I really am chipped away at that and was like, Hey man, like I would say funny,
I would say funny things that would surprise me. They were so funny.
Meaning like in my fraternity,
I'd say things that were the funniest thing that I go,
how did I think of that? And then slowly I was like,
and I remember as that, as I chipped away at that and as I got older,
I would, I would,
I would lean towards that.
We would go on a bus trip to like Clemson and I would get on the, the,
the, the walkie talkie on the bus and I would do stand up for like an hour.
I just make jokes for an hour and I,
and I loved the impulse of like, you know,
you get on the bus and everyone's like,
we're going to drink and you get that one group of girls that wasn't going to
drink and then to break them and they're like, Oh, fuck it. Fine. Let's drink.
And then that to, to watch that happen.
And I think then once I, and then when I went to Russia,
this is so cliche for me to say,
but interacting with those young banditi,
they were, they were pretty serious dudes. They didn't have,
like they were pretty stoic dudes.
And when you could make them laugh, it was like a real, it was a real joy.
The silliest things I remember, you know, we were told there was a club,
it's called, it was called cafe or Europa, or maybe cafe Americana.
There's where everyone really hung out. Like all the real dudes,
the real dudes in St. Petersburg.
And they had told us that like,
they told us in our class that a Russian women didn't have tampons.
So they were like, bring tampons to give to the babushka,
the devushka that ran the floor.
After all this time, the fact that you're Russian sucks is awesome.
Yeah. It's you keep mispronouncing words, horribly, horribly.
I'm so bad. I am so bad. You know, that's how, you know,
that's how I got the name of the machine, right? Yeah.
I was trying to say I'm a Sheena. Yeah. And I said, I'm a car. Yeah.
And they just were like, huh?
And so I came into the room one night with a top pocket full of tampons
and they were like, what are those for? I said, girls,
how are we going to pick up girls? And the look on their face was so,
it was so pure joy.
I remember the first night I pulled out lemons and this is, it sounds,
it sounds make-believe now to say it because it's been in the movie.
And if I brought out lemons, we were in lemon drops,
I vodka and lemons and sugar and a pocket knife and a fanny pack.
And I put out lemons and, and this guy, Igor goes, Oh,
the machine runs on lemons.
Like it was just so foreign that you would need lemon for them. And so I think,
and I made friends with those guys. Like I'm like friends, whatever you can,
but like definitely me and that guy, Igor legit friends, legit friends,
like, but from a place of joy, like it was like, it was like real,
seeing them light up.
And then I remember backpacking through Europe after that and realizing I could
bring a spark of fun to like a campfire. And I had little tricks.
Like I learned all the currencies around the world. And so I,
I challenged people to a currency game. I go, let's go head to head. You say,
you, you name a country in the currency and I'll name a country in the currency.
And I would, I would slow roll them. I just do the, all the dollars, right?
The Chinese dollar, the American dollar, the Australian dollar,
I run through all the dollars and they'd be like, you only know the dollars.
And then, and then I get start getting really deep.
I could make an event out of a night in, in Europe. I could make an event.
I remember we were in a Strasbourg and the bar was supposed to close,
but I had friends coming to the bar. They had the train hadn't gotten, uh, in,
in yet. And I said, I said, don't close the bar.
I'll stand on the bar and I'll entertain everyone in this room. I'll dance.
I'll do whatever. If you could just keep the bar open. And the guy goes,
if you can keep me laughing, I'll keep the bar open.
And I danced and,
and made this guy laugh on a bar for legit. I'm not even like,
legit 30 minutes until my friends walked in and they're like,
what the fuck's going on?
I had this ability to, without humility.
I didn't mind looking like a fool and like doing,
and there were really stupid jokes at the time,
just very like base American frat boy jokes, but I had a spark.
And when I came back, I feel, I feel like I learned how to like,
to do that and do funny things that were like fun. Like I would,
we'd go to a football game and I'd, I'd,
I brought a camera around with me a lot. I like to take pictures.
And I remember one of the jokes I'd go is I go, Hey, everybody,
I told my parents, I have a lot of friends.
Can you guys gather around and we'll take a picture? And so, you know,
like 50 people would lean around like, Hey, and like just the dumbest,
silliest things. And, and, and, and I don't,
and I wasn't a big self promoter. So these would happen. And I would just,
I was just doing them for me and my friends.
I'd bring a guitar out and I just make up songs. And, and, uh,
and, and so I think in, in watching this,
this serious bird get chipped away at until my like six and a half year of
college, where it was just this silly guy and then Rolling Stone's written about
me. And I'm like, and then I'm like, well,
and I remember a couple serious dads going, yo,
you got a chance to turn this into something you need to go to.
And you need to follow your dream. And I tried to stand up the first night.
And I was like, maybe not, wasn't the funniest guy, but man,
they laughed and we had a good time for 30 minutes and it worked and it was
stream of consciousness. And I was like, yeah. And then of course, you know,
that same little path you take gets convoluted in, in, in New York.
Cause you want to be a serious comic and you want to be taken seriously and you
want to be edgy and you want to say the,
and then slowly but surely that you're the real bird chips away at it.
And he's like, yo, man, just fucking take your shirt off, kill a beer. Yeah.
Like fucking tell the machine story, tell a story about your stupid kids.
Like just, you don't need to be the fucking edgiest dude in the room.
Leave that to the good ones. Let, let Bill and fucking Joe and Tom,
they're the, those are the legit fucking gangster comics there. I mean,
those are the fucking, um, you're never going to out fucking Chappelle.
Those, those guys are fucking gangsters. Do what you do. Have fun,
make life fun and seize the day and fucking try to bring a spark to people and
let them forget about their fucking day.
And the, the interesting thing about alcohol that I've,
I don't really like drinking in terms of the actual physical,
like how it makes me feel, but there's the, that the camaraderie that happens,
what I wish there was another way to get there,
but I don't think there is that joy you get of just everybody getting together
to taking shots or drinking, not the polite kind of drinking,
but just everybody just the, the fuck it kind of drinking. Yeah.
And when someone goes, all right, I'm in like that, right? Yeah.
That's the funnest.
And then especially when you have a big group and there's like a big group and
like we were at the premiere the other night and, and, uh, and I was working,
I was legit working. I don't,
I'm trying to sell the movie to outlets, media outlets,
and a bus with the bus with the boys.
My wife flew them in to surprise me and they're over on the red carpet and
they're like, yo, let's, let's skull a beer, let's kill a beer. And I was like,
oh, and then I'm like, ah, fuck it. I don't give a,
this is what life's about. And that moment where they're like, yeah,
that's the funnest fucking, especially when I can get Leanne to do it.
When I get Leanne to get a drink and she'll, and she's like,
like I wasn't supposed to drink last night. And she was like,
you want to just,
we still have a glass of wine in the front yard and you're like, oh,
my heart skips a beat. I go, glass wine in the front yard.
Are we going to talk wild? We're going to say crazy shit to each other.
Like fuck yeah, the front yard, front yard, the front yard,
let the dogs play big trees in the front yard sitting on the,
where were you sitting, sitting in the Adirondacks on the front porch,
letting the dogs play, letting the dogs rest in the front yard.
Maybe go over, pick some cherries, look at the fucking trees,
hear the wind going through the front yard.
And then you go to the backyard and that's where the cigar comes out a little
more privacy, but you have red wine, red wine, mall back,
keep our sulfites low.
Yeah. Wine isn't a whole nother one too. I feel sophisticated.
Oh yeah.
I've I've went, I traveled, um, before Ukraine,
I went to Paris for the first time and drank wine there.
And I felt like I was a sophisticated man,
you know, dude, I'm going to speak with French,
but you don't need to, you don't need to just start smoking too.
Just have a fucking cigarette.
I was going to start writing poetry dude, Hemingway.
There's a, like a glass of wine in Italy. And like, uh,
like just like we went, we went, ah,
the most beautiful fucking day of my life,
just outside Florence.
They have all the vineyards and stuff. And we took a Vespa tour and,
uh, and it was fucking and Ila's too young to ride.
So she's on the back and not everyone can drink there. You know,
you're not supposed to drink and drive Vespas, but they don't,
they got a glass of wine is nothing. And you're like, okay,
I guess I'll have a couple of them. If you think one's nothing,
then I think dude's nothing. Also,
this is drunk Bert on a Vespa drunk, not even drunk, but just light,
lightly feathered where,
and it's beautiful. My wife hasn't been drinking. Georgia has,
Georgia is too young. Ila is too young, but I had at dinner,
we had a couple and we're going through these Hills and it starts raining and
it starts raining. And I go, Ila, what are we missing?
And she goes music big boy. And I go, what do you want to hear?
And then she just starts going Oka, Shaka, Oka, Oka, Oka, Shaka,
Oka, Oka. I can't stop this feeling. She's screaming at behind.
And then I hear Georgia screaming it and then Leanne singing it and then Sandy
and her two daughters are singing it.
We're all in these Vespas and we're all singing it. And, and I,
and I swear to God, if I hadn't been lightly feathered,
I don't know if I would have been like, I don't, what are we missing?
Cause you know, alcohol will give you that thing. Like what's next? What's bigger.
How do we take this to the next level?
And then I got this little girl who's still my little girl at that moment when
she's singing, sing it all the good time.
And then we stop at the,
and we stop at the light and all of us are looking and it's pouring rain.
It is. I mean, I remember, uh, sobbing, crying, sobbing, crying,
sobbing, crying. And then I was like,
let's get these fucking Vespas up and get to a vineyard.
And then we went to a vineyard and all the girls tried a little wine.
No one got buzzed or anything,
but you're just sitting there with your family going like, fuck dude it.
And I'm not certain you get that without a little bit of a little bit,
but then a lot is also interesting.
I had a lot of whiskey with Rogan once. I think I saw that. Yeah.
I think I saw that with Whitney too. He was in the pushup concert contest with,
uh, David Goggins. The only time I met David Goggins in person,
one of the great embarrassments of my life is, uh,
trashed out of my mind. I'm trying to say how much of a fan I am.
And I could tell by the look in his eye that what is actually coming out of my
mouth is not good. It's not good.
And his wife is embarrassed standing right there also,
just everybody's embarrassed for me and I'm trying my best.
And then somehow I find myself a minute later doing pushups with him as a
challenge. I didn't, it wasn't counting all I knew. I'm not stopping.
And he was polite enough to stop. I think probably like 50. I don't know.
There's a gift someone gives you when they get drunk and they allow you,
they get drunk and they lower their guard and they allow you to see them that
way. It's a gift. It's a real gift.
It's just as cool as like pulling someone aside and going, yo, I'm into anime.
Like, are you cool with that? And then they're going, yeah, I'm uh, yeah.
Can I show you some cool anime? And then you're like, that's not my thing.
But it's like a cool thing.
It's like sharing cool music with someone or like telling them something about
your childhood. When you, when you get drunk, like real drunk around someone,
you're giving them a gift. And that gift is I want you to see me for everything.
I am. You're not going to get any lies. You're not going to get any bullshit.
This is me at my absolute worst. I have a rule. I will never,
never get mad at someone for getting too fucked up because they're giving you a
gift. They're saying like, yo, I did this on accident,
but I trust you enough to let you know that this is who I am and this is what
you're getting. I love it. I love it.
Especially when it comes from someone you don't expect like you shut the fuck
up. David Goggin should have hugged you and said, thanks for showing me this.
Yeah. I guess that really haven't, you're right.
I haven't thought of it that was,
there's an intimacy to that is that it is a gift of like fragility.
Like this is me. I mean, I'm, I'm a very loving drunk, but I'm,
boy, am I a dumb drunk? I'm just, I bet you haven't seen dumb drunk.
Well, dumb in terms of the eloquence of the words that are coming out of my
mouth.
So like you're just not stitching words together correctly to make sentences.
I turn into Hemingway loss in translation.
Like I'll start saying random words,
but like translated to Japanese and back to English,
it's not making sense, but there's love.
Like I think what you feel is this kind of desire to connect that I think I
always feel towards other people, but when I'm drunk, let me just say, fuck it.
I don't need to be polite. I'll just be loving fully. Yeah. Yeah. It's, uh,
it's cool when people let you see that in them because some people are really
like measured. There's no one drink and then I'm done. I don't want to know.
No, no, no. And you're like, Oh, show me a little more. And then like,
it's cool. And I never get like, I love my favorite moments in the next morning
when they're like, did I make an ass out of myself? And you get to say,
not at all. Not at all. That's the coolest thing. Cause some people,
bad people will leverage that over. Yeah. You can use it. It's a bully tactic.
They'll leverage that.
The bad interactions I've had with in this business that we were talking about
earlier, there were people that, that when you got fucked up,
they used it against you. They held it over your head and they said, listen,
man, I don't know what the fuck, but if you want, and you're like,
hold on. And then, and then they made you,
they gaslight you into thinking you were the only one that was fucked up.
And you're like, okay, I guess I know who you are now. And I was like,
didn't you get fucked up a little bit too? Like,
I know we smoked weed and I thought we ate Xanax, but like, what about the,
I know I had a couple of beers, but like, I wasn't that fucked up.
Well,
Whitney is really good at that because she's the person I woke up next morning
and she just said, yeah, you're wonderful. You are eloquent.
You were great. I'm sure she was making that up completely.
It was funny. I got blackout drunk at Whitney's roast of me,
like blackout drunk. Don't remember any of it. And don't remember any of it.
Don't remember speaking on the microphone.
I don't remember talking in the microphone and I did the set apparently.
Yeah. And I said to Whitney, like in a real moment of vulnerability,
Whitney's like a sister to me, like a legit sister.
My daughter's called her aunt, Whitney Leanne. She's like a sister Leanne.
If she comes over to do a podcast,
Whitney will show up an hour early and sit with Leanne out in Leanne's Rose
garden and just talk. And Whitney, I,
I said, the next day I called Whitney and I was getting on a plane and I was,
knew I was hung over. I said, how bad was I last night? She goes,
you were fucking fantastic and just didn't let me sit with it.
And then I watched the video and I was like, oh, I was fucking out of control.
I was way out of control. Thank you for lying to me. Yeah.
So while being a wild out there comic,
she's also this like caring and loving human being. She's so interesting. She is.
She has the most nurturing sensibility. She is,
she sends my daughter's gifts out of nowhere, just out of nowhere.
Just send Georgia gifts up at college. It's just a gift box. Like she is just,
she takes care of people. That's her love language.
And she's also the person that taught me what,
what the hell love language even means.
Apparently there's a book and there's like five of them.
You and Whitney, I would love to sit in the fucking room and watch you two talk.
Yeah. She has a robot that looks like her. And, um,
that's the future, that robot.
I told her she should have that robot do porn. Let someone fuck that robot.
And then, and she can, she had deep faked the face if she wants, but I go,
promote it, promote a special that way.
Like a full on, not like Showtime, softcore porn, like full on porn.
Full on. Like the dude, like, she's like, hi, welcome inside.
You look tired. Do you need a drink? Oops. I'm stuck in the dryer.
You know, what's the promotion you're most proud of that you've done
without a doubt. It's gotta be when I took dance lessons. Yeah,
that was epic because I tried to get Joe and Tom and Ari to do it for sober
October. I was rooting for you. And they said, no, Joe's like, absolutely not.
I knew Joe was going to say no, but Joseph legit dancer.
Like he can legit dance.
He took like dance lessons for a movie and is apparently an amazing dancer.
And so you're right. He could have said yes. He could have said yes.
Cause I remember listening to that podcast where you really made the pitch.
Yeah. And I said, we all take hip hop dance lessons.
It's your cardio is through the roof and those you do an hour dance lesson.
Then we all do a hip hop dance and then we all put our hips up,
dances against each other. And we see who has the best hip hop dance.
It's different than the typical stuff we do. It's fun. And we can also work out.
We can do everything, but like let's do hip hop dance. And Joe Adam Lee was like,
that's a horrible idea. I will not do that. And then, and then Tom and Ari just,
you know, just whatever they were like, yeah, I side with Joe,
we'll do something else. And then I was like, I knew I liked hip hop dance.
And so I was like, I'm going to take hip hop dance lessons anyway.
I'm going to just do it over sober October. And I'm just kind of,
I'm going to fucking do it.
And then maybe maybe I'll do a hip hop dance video and then show it to them and
let them rate me. And then we did it.
And I,
and it was $1,200 and I for hip hop dance lessons for like a month or whatever
for like a couple of weeks. And then when we did it, I thought,
you know what?
I bet we could put tour dates next to this because it's, it was,
it turned out being like kind of good, but kind of funny. I go,
but we could put tour dates next to this.
And it was the beginning of me figuring out the whole,
like my promos were short and quick and they were always like something silly.
What's up guys? It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.
And then that one blew up and immediate,
I was announcing the tour and immediately every tour date sold out.
And then every, we added shows that day,
we added shows and every one of those sold out and I was like, Whoa.
And then Tom was like, the fuck was that? And I was like,
I think I just sold out my whole fucking tour. And,
and then Tom.
And then when Tom did his one like that and put his tour dates on it,
went over the top.
He sold all his tours and he was like, Whoa, he's addressed,
sold out every fucking show. We've added shows. I'm doing like an arena here.
And this is before we were doing arenas. I was like, shut the fuck up.
And that changed my game where I was like, all right, so everything's gotta be.
And then, and then I was like, I don't mind spending a little money.
And then the next one I did was the marching band and I was just like,
and, but it was, you know, it was real crazy. I just said,
can you guys get me a marching band? And they were like, yeah, it's like,
it's like 2,400 bucks. I go, cool. And they're like,
what do you want them to do? And I go, I don't know. We'll figure it out.
And they came over and they had outfits and they were like, so what do you want
us to play? I go, what song do you guys know?
And then they didn't even know each other.
They were all hired people and they were like rubber band, man. And I was like,
Oh, sure. Yeah. And then we just scripted it out. I was like, all right,
I'll pretend it's a regular thing with the weights.
I'll walk out and then I'll blow a whistle.
And then you come out with the and then,
and then we got like two videos out of that and that sold out dates.
And then I was like, fuck. And then, and then, and then,
and then, and then the real baller one, the fucking real one,
the real one was I tore all the muscles in my arm
going into and shooting the movie.
And I ripped all the tricep muscles off and they were retracted.
So I had to go in for surgery.
And the anesthesiologist said to me the night before,
he's like, what music do you want going in, going under? And I was like, what?
And he goes, you can pick your music going under. I said, wait, hold on.
What is it like? He goes, I go, is it like casual? And he was like, yeah.
I said, I'm doing a promo read going under. He goes, what do you mean?
I said, I'll explain it to you tomorrow, but I'm going to,
I'm not going to count backwards.
I'm just going to do a promo read until I pass out and my phone's going to fall
on the ground. All I need you to do is hit stop record.
And so they rolled me into surgery. I had red rocks.
I had only sold like 75% of red rocks, which is the biggest 10,000,
which was the biggest venue that I'd ever played in.
And I rolled in with my thing with CCR playing in the background.
And I just was like,
as I lay here on this mat or on this steel pile terrified as I go into
surgery, I want you to know one thing I'm playing red rock, September 10th.
And then I started doing my promo read and he was like, yeah,
I go Jimmy Buffett's there the night before and the night after he's like,
for real, I go, yeah, you want to come? He's like, hell yeah. He's like, all right.
He's like, you're going under and he hits it. I go, I'll sure.
And I dropped the phone, woke up out of surgery.
And the first thing I said is where's my phone. And he goes, you got it.
And Leanne's like, I've already watched it. It's good. And I went for real.
And so like, that was a, that was a, that was a, that was a big one.
That was a big one too. Yeah, that was genius.
But that was sort of opportunity kind of jumping in an idea.
Have you ever met Mr. Beast Jimmy? No. So he he's,
I got to hang out with him for a day,
listen to him brainstorm with the team ideas. He kind of sounds like you,
but on steroids in terms of like, first of all,
willing to spend any amount of money on an idea, like anything,
anything is allowed. Anything is allowed. I love that energy. Uh,
the only thing is no like rated R stuff.
So he's really trying to go like, um, for the broader audience for kids and so
on. So that's the limitation. So you can't do like,
most of the ideas that pop into my head when anything's allowed,
it's just kind of dark.
But the point is to really aggressively brainstorm every single day at the
whiteboard. Like what? And he does that for YouTube shorts too,
for one minute videos. And just like, really,
like what is the coolest thing we could possibly do? I love that.
I love that energy and that energy.
Most people don't do that and they should basically YouTubers do that cause
they're obsessed about this particular YouTube algorithm and so on.
And Jimmy is the best at that, but like that can benefit you if you're a
scientist, if you're a comedian, if you're whatever, just go all out.
It's, there's something really fun,
authentically fun about just coming up with a really stupid idea and just
going, let's see what happens. Who gives a fuck? We've had those,
like I thought I could catch an arrow one time and
my wife's like, absolutely fucking not. And I go, I really think I can, I go,
let's just get really close, shoot it. And then I'll see if I can catch it.
And she's like, no, that's not what you're doing. And then my cousin's like,
Hey, we could cheat it to make you look like you caught an arrow. And I went,
what? He was just, okay, let's do it like this.
And so we did it and it got sold a ton of tickets.
It looks like I really caught it. Everyone knows I didn't catch an arrow.
I mean, for the movie, we did a promo legendary.
It was like you do all the promos and we did a promo and I thought I could slide
out of my car like Tom cruise did in a,
in a helicopter and with roller skates and get behind the car and then
skate behind the car. And we just ran over my foot and it was real.
And it was scary, but we just caught it all. And in doing it,
my cousin's like, give me the read. And I'm like, duh.
My movie comes out Memorial day weekend. Uh,
I think we have to go to the hospital and then we went to the hospital and I'm
in the speedo with a helmet on one broken roller skate. And then,
and then that did really well.
And so like I said, the whole thing is just turn the camera on.
You never know what's going to fucking happen.
And don't be afraid to look stupid and all that kind of stuff. Just go all out.
Fucking egos, the death of comedy. Like when you, when you really give a,
like if it's hard to be the coolest guy in the room and still want to be a
comedian, it's just let yourself be whoever you are and you'll see the great ones.
They're like that. They don't, the, you know, they're,
they're just regular fucking dudes and you get some real slick ones. Like Dave,
Dave's Paul might be the coolest guy in the fucking room. He right.
Might really might be, but I think that's just who the fuck he is.
Who are the outside your close friend group? Who are the greats to your top five
outside of my friend group. So, um, like for me,
probably Norm McDonald, Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin,
Tom Segura, number one. Oh yeah. No,
I wanted to say that it's an interesting pairing. No, Mitch Hedberg,
David tell David, tell David, tell every,
everybody deeply respects David more than even his comedy.
I love the show where he was, uh, insomniac insomniac.
He's so good at just the natural comedy of human interaction.
He's a brilliant comic. He's just a brilliant fucking mind. Um,
Norm McDonald's a fucking genius and absolute genius. I mean, look,
you know,
Chappelle and Bill Burr are,
are the two best in our generation in my opinion. And that's, you know,
and that's understanding that like,
I'm still friends with some of the best in our generation,
but like just the way their brains work is really on the next level. Like,
you know, those are guys, Stan hope is the same way. Just fucking genius.
You know, Rogan, Segura, those are my friend group.
That's my really close friend group. But like those other guys I'm,
I'm friends with, but they're not like, that's like, yeah.
Louis C. K. Oh, Louis C. K. Fuck. He's amazing.
It's hard to do because you start like forgetting the people.
And then it's almost like people go, Oh, so you didn't like that person.
You're like, no, I fucking love that person.
I mean, there's a, for me, like Robin Williams was a whole nother thing.
Oh yeah. Sarah Silverman. Uh, fucking, uh,
I love Janine. I'm a fucking big Janine fan. I love her brain.
Marin's fucking hilarious. You know, uh, Patton's brilliant.
David cross. I mean, there's like, it's, you know,
it's really to ignore those guys and those guys were like the whole forefront
of the alternative comedy front. They're fucking amazing.
Yeah. And the people that have like Marin or Joe that have podcasts,
it's interesting.
It's an interesting pairing because you get to know like everything about them,
but then they're also comedians and I've gotten,
I've gone to Joe's club a lot. I listen to Joe and just that whole group of
comics,
do comedy and go to the same set over and over and over and to see how it
changes. It's, it's really cool.
It's the coolest thing.
When I first started to watch someone like a tell was really brilliant at it
because you'd watch him tinker with a set and he'd have an idea
like hitting someone over the head with a hammer from behind and then he'd work
it nine different ways, you know, and you'd be like, Whoa.
So you're the hitting hammer in the head is the thing that he's working on.
I hope it, uh, Eddie Murphy comes back. He's one of the greats, Chris rock.
Chris rocks fucking bring the pain is like the reason I got into comedy.
Yeah.
Do you have advice for young folks?
You seem like a stellar example of a successful human being.
Um, or more seriously, a very kind of nonlinear life.
Do you have advice for young people in high school and college?
How to have a good life they can be proud of.
Don't worry too much about what you do when you get older,
but when you do start worrying,
find the thing you love and it'll never feel like work.
The fucking,
I can't imagine what it must feel like to be a lawyer and have to read papers or
whatever they do all day and know that that's my day. I mean,
it must feel like what I was school felt like for me.
If you find that thing you love to do, you will work endlessly,
effortlessly and hard as fucking shit every day and you'll love every day of
your life. Find what you love and let it kill you. Bukowski said that for,
then that's the fucking thing. Cause that's what I'm doing.
I'm letting it fucking take, I'm, I'm fucking, I'm,
I'm on that fucking bullet train to fucking nowhere on this fucking comedy
journey. I love it. I love it. So it's like the Hunter S Thompson thing.
What is it? However you put it, you basically, you're not supposed to be, uh,
end up in a well-preserved box. You slide in sideways,
smoke, just beat up. Yeah. Just, just a giant mess.
I love, I love those guys that can really live that life that are like, yeah man,
I'm breaking it. I'm breaking it down. Like a guy like Tony Hawk or Matt Hoffman.
They're like, yeah, if I,
if I don't fucking break the fuck out of this thing before I then I'm not doing
it right. Then again,
there's also Churchill who tried to break the thing and he couldn't lived into
his nineties, a bad motherfucker, just a bad motherfucker.
So I guess the only hope we can have for bird Christ here is that you're going
to be the Winston Churchill of comedy.
My life is lived perfectly.
If I'm 95 years old and all my friends are dead,
they're like, they're like, can you believe that Wolf got Rogan? Yeah.
Can you believe Segura 600 pounds?
And they had to carry him out in a crane out of that house.
Can you believe that it's just Burke Chrysler and Joey Diaz left
just standing there in October October, just the two of you left,
just laughing.
I'm 95 at the Mark Twain awards and they're like,
Bert Christ, you're still fucking here. Who saw that coming?
I hope so. Bert, I'm a huge fan of yours.
It meant so much to me when you said that you knew who I was like we were
talking about. It just, it's so cool. It's so cool.
Thank you for putting so much joy and love out there in the world.
I'm a huge fan and thank you for the love you give me. Thank you, man.
I am a huge fan of yours. You keep doing you. I'll keep doing me.
And then let's see if we can meet in the middle.
Sometimes I have a cold beer in the afternoon. Love you brother. Love you.
Thanks for listening to this conversation with Bert Kreischer to support this
podcast. Please check out our sponsors in the description.
And now let me leave you with some words from Hunter S. Thompson.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body,
but rather to skin in broadside in a cloud of smoke,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming,
wow, what a ride. Thank you for listening.
I hope to see you next time.
Bye.